Mark Twain

Innocents Abroad

Table Of Contents

• Project Gutenberg Copyright and Impressum Notice

• Preface
• Chapter I Popular Talk of the Excursion--Programme of the Trip--Duly Ticketed for the Excursion--Defection of the Celebrities
• Chapter II Grand Preparations--An Imposing Dignitary--The European Exodus-- Mr. Blucher's Opinion--Stateroom No. 10--The Assembling of the Clans-- At Sea at Last
• Chapter III "Averaging" the Passengers--Far, far at Sea.--Tribulation among the Patriarchs--Seeking Amusement under Difficulties--Five Captains in the Ship
• Chapter IV The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated--Pilgrim Life at Sea--"Horse- Billiards"--The "Synagogue"--The Writing School--Jack's "Journal"-- The "Q. C. Club"--The Magic Lantern--State Ball on Deck--Mock Trials-- Charades--Pilgrim Solemnity--Slow Music--The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion
• Chapter V Summer in Mid-Atlantic--An Eccentric Moon--Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence --The Mystery of "Ship Time"--The Denizens of the Deep--"Land Hoh"-- The First Landing on a Foreign Shore--Sensation among the Natives-- Something about the Azores Islands--Blucher's Disastrous Dinner-- The Happy Result
• Chapter VI Solid Information--A Fossil Community--Curious Ways and Customs--Jesuit Humbuggery--Fantastic Pilgrimizing--Origin of the Russ Pavement-- Squaring Accounts with the Fossils--At Sea Again
• Chapter VII A Tempest at Night--Spain and Africa on Exhibition--Greeting a Majestic Stranger--The Pillars of Hercules--The Rock of Gibraltar--Tiresome Repetition--"The Queen's Chair"--Serenity Conquered--Curiosities of the Secret Caverns--Personnel of Gibraltar--Some Odd Characters--A Private Frolic in Africa--Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of life)--Vanity Rebuked--Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco
• Chapter VIII The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco--Strange Sights--A Cradle of Antiquity--We become Wealthy--How they Rob the Mail in Africa--The Danger of being Opulent in Morocco
• Chapter IX A Pilgrim--in Deadly Peril--How they Mended the Clock--Moorish Punishments for Crime--Marriage Customs--Looking Several ways for Sunday --Shrewd, Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims--Reverence for Cats--Bliss of being a Consul-General
• Chapter X Fourth of July at Sea--Mediterranean Sunset--The "Oracle" is Delivered of an Opinion--Celebration Ceremonies--The Captain's Speech--France in Sight--The Ignorant Native--In Marseilles--Another Blunder--Lost in the Great City--Found Again--A Frenchy Scene
• Chapter XI Getting used to it--No Soap--Bill of Fare, Table d'hote--"An American Sir"--A Curious Discovery--The "Pilgrim" Bird--Strange Companionship-- A Grave of the Living--A Long Captivity--Some of Dumas' Heroes--Dungeon of the Famous "Iron Mask."
• Chapter XII A Holiday Flight through France--Summer Garb of the Landscape--Abroad on the Great Plains--Peculiarities of French Cars--French Politeness American Railway Officials--"Twenty Mnutes to Dinner!"--Why there are no Accidents--The "Old Travellers"--Still on the Wing--Paris at Last----French Order and Quiet--Place of the Bastile--Seeing the Sights-- A Barbarous Atrocity--Absurd Billiards
• Chapter XIII More Trouble--Monsieur Billfinger--Re-Christening the Frenchman--In the Clutches of a Paris Guide--The International Exposition--Fine Military Review--Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey
• Chapter XIV The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame--Jean Sanspeur's Addition-- Treasures and Sacred Relics--The Legend of the Cross--The Morgue--The Outrageious 'Can-Can'--Blondin Aflame--The Louvre Palace--The Great Park --Showy Pageantry--Preservation of Noted Things
• Chapter XV French National Burying--Ground--Among the Great Dead--The Shrine of Disappointed Love--The Story of Abelard and Heloise--"English Spoken Here"--"American Drinks Compounded Here"--Imperial Honors to an American--The Over-estimated Grisette--Departure from Paris--A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women
• Chapter XVI Versailles--Paradise Regained--A Wonderful Park--Paradise Lost-- Napoleonic Strategy
• Chapter XVII War--The American Forces Victorious--" Home Again"--Italy in Sight The "City of Palaces"--Beauty of the Genoese Women--The "Stub-Hunters"-- Among the Palaces--Gifted Guide--Church Magnificence--"Women not Admitted"--How the Genoese Live--Massive Architecture--A Scrap of Ancient History--Graves for 60,000
• Chapter XVIII Flying Through Italy--Marengo--First Glimpse of the Famous Cathedral-- Description of some of its Wonders--A Horror Carved in Stone----An Unpleasant Adventure--A Good Man--A Sermon from the Tomb--Tons of Gold and Silver--Some More Holy Relics--Solomon's Temple
• Chapter XIX "Do You Wiz zo Haut can be?"--La Scala--Petrarch and Laura--Lucrezia Borgia--Ingenious Frescoes--Ancient Roman Amphitheatre--A Clever Delusion--Distressing Billiards--The Chief Charm of European Life--An Italian Bath--Wanted: Soap--Crippled French--Mutilated English--The Most Celebrated Painting in the World--Amateur Raptures--Uninspired Critics-- Anecdote--A Wonderful Echo--A Kiss for a Franc
• Chapter XX Rural Italy by Rail--Fumigated, According to Law--The Sorrowing Englishman--Night by the Lake of Como--The Famous Lake--Its Scenery-- Como compared with Tahoe--Meeting a Shipmate
• Chapter XXI The Pretty Lago di Lecco--A Carriage Drive in the Country--Astonishing Sociability in a Coachman--Sleepy Land--Bloody Shrines--The Heart and Home of Priestcraft--A Thrilling Mediaeval Romance--The Birthplace of Harlequin--Approaching Venice
• Chapter XXII Night in Venice--The "Gay Gondolier"--The Grand Fete by Moonlight-- The Notable Sights of Venice--The Mother of the Republics Desolate
• Chapter XXIII The Famous Gondola--The Gondola in an Unromantic Aspect--The Great Square of St. Mark and the Winged Lion--Snobs, at Home and Abroad--Sepulchres of the Great Dead--A Tilt at the "Old Masters"--A Contraband Guide-- The Conspiracy--Moving Again
• Chapter XXIV Down Through Italy by Rail--Idling in Florence--Dante and Galileo--An Ungrateful City--Dazzling Generosity--Wonderful Mosaics--The Historical Arno--Lost Again--Found Again, but no Fatted Calf Ready--The Leaning Tower of Pisa--The Ancient Duomo--The Old Original First Pendulum that Ever Swung--An Enchanting Echo--A New Holy Sepulchre--A Relic of Antiquity--A Fallen Republic--At Leghorn--At Home Again, and Satisfied, on Board the Ship--Our Vessel an Object of Grave Suspicion--Garibaldi Visited--Threats of Quarantine
• Chapter XXV The Works of Bankruptcy--Railway Grandeur--How to Fill an Empty Treasury--The Sumptuousness of Mother Church--Ecclesiastical Splendor-- Magnificence and Misery--General Execration--More Magnificence A Good Word for the Priests--Civita Vecchia the Dismal--Off for Rome
• Chapter XXVI The Modern Roman on His Travels--The Grandeur of St. Peter's--Holy Relics --Grand View from the Dome--The Holy Inquisition--Interesting Old Monkish Frauds--The Ruined Coliseum--The Coliseum in the Days of its Prime-- Ancient Playbill of a Coliseum Performance--A Roman Newspaper Criticism 1700 Years Old
• Chapter XXVII "Butchered to Make a Roman Holiday"--The Man who Never Complained-- An Exasperating Subject--Asinine Guides--The Roman Catacombs The Saint Whose Fervor Burst his Ribs--The Miracle of the Bleeding Heart --The Legend of Ara Coeli
• Chapter XXVIII Picturesque Horrors--The Legend of Brother Thomas--Sorrow Scientifically Analyzed--A Festive Company of the Dead--The Great Vatican Museum Artist Sins of Omission--The Rape of the Sabines--Papal Protection of Art--High Price of "Old Masters"--Improved Scripture--Scale of Rank of the Holy Personages in Rome--Scale of Honors Accorded Them--- Fossilizing--Away for Naples
• Chapter XXIX Naples--In Quarantine at Last--Annunciation--Ascent of Mount Vesuvius--A Two Cent Community--The Black Side of Neapolitan Character--Monkish Miracles--Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued--The Stranger and the Hackman--Night View of Naples from the Mountain-side---Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued
• Chapter XXX Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued--Beautiful View at Dawn--Less Beautiful in the Back Streets--Ascent of Vesuvius Continued--Dwellings a Hundred Feet High--A Motley Procession--Bill of Fare for a Peddler's Breakfast--Princely Salaries--Ascent of Vesuvius Continued--An Average of Prices--The wonderful "Blue Grotto"--Visit to Celebrated Localities in the Bay of Naples--The Poisoned "Grotto of the Dog"--A Petrified Sea of Lava--Ascent of Mount Vesuvius Continued--The Summit Reached--Description of the Crater--Descent of Vesuvius
• Chapter XXXI The Buried City of Pompeii--How Dwellings Appear that have been Unoccupied for Eighteen hundred years--The Judgment Seat--Desolation--The Footprints of the Departed--"No Women Admitted"--Theatres, Bakeshops, Schools--Skeletons preserved by the Ashes and Cinders--The Brave Martyr to Duty--Rip Van Winkle--The Perishable Nature of Fame
• Chapter XXXII At Sea Once More--The Pilgrims all Well--Superb Stromboli--Sicily by Moonlight--Scylla and Charybdis--The "Oracle" at Fault--Skirting the Isles of Greece Ancient Athens--Blockaded by Quarantine and Refused Permission to Enter--Running the Blockade--A Bloodless Midnight Adventure--Turning Robbers from Necessity--Attempt to Carry the Acropolis by Storm--We Fail--Among the Glories of the Past--A World of Ruined Sculpture--A Fairy Vision--Famous Localities--Retreating in Good Order --Captured by the Guards--Travelling in Military State--Safe on Board Again
• Chapter XXXIII Modern Greece--Fallen Greatness--Sailing Through the Archipelago and the Dardanelles--Footprints of History--The First Shoddy Contractor of whom History gives any Account--Anchored Before Constantinople--Fantastic Fashions--The Ingenious Goose-Rancher--Marvelous Cripples--The Great Mosque--The Thousand and One Columns--The Grand Bazaar of Stamboul
• Chapter XXXIV Scarcity of Morals and Whiskey--Slave-Girl Market Report--Commercial Morality at a Discount--The Slandered Dogs of Constantinople-- Questionable Delights of Newspaperdom in Turkey--Ingenious Italian Journalism--No More Turkish Lunches Desired--The Turkish Bath Fraud-- The Narghileh Fraud--Jackplaned by a Native--The Turkish Coffee Fraud
• Chapter XXXV Sailing Through the Bosporus and the Black Sea--"Far-Away Moses"-- Melancholy Sebastopol--Hospitably Received in Russia--Pleasant English People--Desperate Fighting--Relic Hunting--How Travellers Form "Cabinets"
• Chapter XXXVI Nine Thousand Miles East--Imitation American Town in Russia--Gratitude that Came Too Late--To Visit the Autocrat of All the Russias
• Chapter XXXVII Summer Home of Royalty--Practising for the Dread Ordeal--Committee on Imperial Address--Reception by the Emperor and Family--Dresses of the Imperial Party--Concentrated Power--Counting the Spoons--At the Grand Duke's--A Charming Villa--A Knightly Figure--The Grand Duchess--A Grand Ducal Breakfast--Baker's Boy, the Famine-Breeder--Theatrical Monarchs a Fraud--Saved as by Fire--The Governor--General's Visit to the Ship-- Official "Style"--Aristocratic Visitors--"Munchausenizing" with Them-- Closing Ceremonies
• Chapter XXXVIII Return to Constantinople--We Sail for Asia--The Sailors Burlesque the Imperial Visitors--Ancient Smyrna--The "Oriental Splendor" Fraud-- The "Biblical Crown of Life"--Pilgrim Prophecy-Savans--Sociable Armenian Girls--A Sweet Reminiscence--"The Camels are Coming, Ha-ha!"
• Chapter XXXIX Smyrna's Lions--The Martyr Polycarp--The "Seven Churches"--Remains of the Six Smyrnas--Mysterious Oyster Mine Oysters--Seeking Scenery--A Millerite Tradition--A Railroad Out of its Sphere
• Chapter XL Journeying Toward Ancient Ephesus--Ancient Ayassalook--The Villanous Donkey--A Fantastic Procession--Bygone Magnificence--Fragments of History--The Legend of the Seven Sleepers
• Chapter XLI Vandalism Prohibited--Angry Pilgrims--Approaching Holy Land!--The "Shrill Note of Preparation"--Distress About Dragomans and Transportation-- The "Long Route" Adopted--In Syria--Something about Beirout--A Choice Specimen of a Greek "Ferguson"--Outfits--Hideous Horseflesh--Pilgrim "Style"--What of Aladdin's Lamp?
• Chapter XLII "Jacksonville," in the Mountains of Lebanon--Breakfasting above a Grand Panorama--The Vanished City--The Peculiar Steed, "Jericho"--The Pilgrims Progress--Bible Scenes--Mount Hermon, Joshua's Battle Fields, etc.-- The Tomb of Noah--A Most Unfortunate People
• Chapter XLIII Patriarchal Customs--Magnificent Baalbec--Description of the Ruins-- Scribbling Smiths and Joneses--Pilgrim Fidelity to the Letter of the Law --The Revered Fountain of Baalam's Ass
• Chapter XLIV Extracts from Note-Book--Mahomet's Paradise and the Bible's--Beautiful Damascus the Oldest City on Earth--Oriental Scenes within the Curious Old City--Damascus Street Car--The Story of St. Paul--The "Street called Straight"--Mahomet's Tomb and St. George's--The Christian Massacre-- Mohammedan Dread of Pollution--The House of Naaman-- The Horrors of Leprosy
• Chapter XLV The Cholera by way of Variety--Hot--Another Outlandish Procession--Pen and-Ink Photograph of "Jonesborough," Syria--Tomb of Nimrod, the Mighty Hunter--The Stateliest Ruin of All--Stepping over the Borders of Holy- Land--Bathing in the Sources of Jordan--More "Specimen" Hunting--Ruins of Cesarea--Philippi--"On This Rock Will I Build my Church"--The People the Disciples Knew--The Noble Steed "Baalbec"--Sentimental Horse Idolatry of the Arabs
• Chapter XLVI Dan--Bashan--Genessaret--A Notable Panorama--Smallness of Palestine-- Scraps of History--Character of the Country--Bedouin Shepherds--Glimpses of the Hoary Past--Mr. Grimes's Bedouins--A Battle--Ground of Joshua-- That Soldier's Manner of Fighting--Barak's Battle--The Necessity of Unlearning Some Things--Desolation
• Chapter XLVII "Jack's Adventure"--Joseph's Pit--The Story of Joseph--Joseph's Magnanimity and Esau's--The Sacred Lake of Genessaret--Enthusiasm of the Pilgrims--Why We did not Sail on Galilee--About Capernaum--Concerning the Saviour's Brothers and Sisters--Journeying toward Magdela
• Chapter XLVIII Curious Specimens of Art and Architecture--Public Reception of the Pilgrims--Mary Magdalen's House--Tiberias and its Queer Inhabitants-- The Sacred Sea of Galilee--Galilee by Night
• Chapter XLIX The Ancient Baths--Ye Apparition--A Distinguished Panorama--The Last Battle of the Crusades--The Story of the Lord of Kerak--Mount Tabor-- What one Sees from its Top--Memory of a Wonderful Garden--The House of Deborah the Prophetess
• Chapter L Toward Nazareth--Bitten By a Camel--Grotto of the Annunciation, Nazareth --Noted Grottoes in General--Joseph's Workshop--A Sacred Bowlder-- The Fountain of the Virgin--Questionable Female Beauty-- Literary Curiosities
• Chapter LI Boyhood of the Saviour--Unseemly Antics of Sober Pilgrims--Home of the Witch of Endor--Nain--Profanation--A Popular Oriental Picture--Biblical Metaphors Becoming steadily More Intelligible--The Shuuem Miracle-- The "Free Son of The Desert"--Ancient Jezrael--Jehu's Achievements-- Samaria and its Famous Siege
• Chapter LII Curious Remnant of the Past--Shechem--The Oldest "First Family" on Earth --The Oldest Manuscript Extant--The Genuine Tomb of Joseph--Jacob's Well --Shiloh--Camping with the Arabs--Jacob's Ladder--More Desolation-- Ramah, Beroth, the Tomb of Samuel, The Fountain of Beira--Impatience-- Approaching Jerusalem--The Holy City in Sight--Noting Its Prominent Features--Domiciled Within the Sacred Walls
• Chapter LIII "The Joy of the Whole Earth"--Description of Jerusalem--Church of the Holy Sepulchre--The Stone of Unction--The Grave of Jesus--Graves of Nicodemus and Joseph of Armattea--Places of the Apparition--The Finding of the There Crosses----The Legend--Monkish Impostures--The Pillar of Flagellation--The Place of a Relic--Godfrey's Sword--"The Bonds of Christ"--"The Center of the Earth"--Place whence the Dust was taken of which Adam was Made--Grave of Adam--The Martyred Soldier--The Copper Plate that was on the Cross--The Good St. Helena--Place of the Division of the Garments--St. Dimas, the Penitent Thief--The Late Emperor Maximilian's Contribution--Grotto wherein the Crosses were Found, and the Nails, and the Crown of Thorns--Chapel of the Mocking--Tomb of Melchizedek--Graves of Two Renowned Crusaders--The Place of the Crucifixion
• Chapter LIV The "Sorrowful Way"--The Legend of St. Veronica's Handkerchief-- An Illustrious Stone--House of the Wandering Jew--The Tradition of the Wanderer--Solomon's Temple--Mosque of Omar--Moslem Traditions--"Women not Admitted"--The Fate of a Gossip--Turkish Sacred Relics--Judgment Seat of David and Saul--Genuine Precious Remains of Solomon's Temple--Surfeited with Sights--The Pool of Siloam--The Garden of Gethsemane and Other Sacred Localities
• Chapter LV Rebellion in the Camp--Charms of Nomadic Life--Dismal Rumors--En Route for Jericho and The Dead Sea--Pilgrim Strategy--Bethany and the Dwelling of Lazarus--"Bedouins!"--Ancient Jericho--Misery--The Night March-- The Dead Sea--An Idea of What a "Wilderness" in Palestine is--The Holy hermits of Mars Saba--Good St. Saba--Women not Admitted--Buried from the World for all Time--Unselfish Catholic Benevolence--Gazelles--The Plain of the Shepherds--Birthplace of the Saviour, Bethlehem--Church of the Nativity--Its Hundred Holy Places--The Famous "Milk" Grotto--Tradition-- Return to Jerusalem--Exhausted
• Chapter LVI Departure from Jerusalem--Samson--The Plain of Sharon--Arrival at Joppa-- Horse of Simon the Tanner--The Long Pilgrimage Ended--Character of Palestine Scenery--The Curse
• Chapter LVII The Happiness of being at Sea once more--"Home" as it is in a Pleasure Ship--"Shaking Hands" with the Vessel--Jack in Costume--His Father's Parting Advice--Approaching Egypt--Ashore in Alexandria--A Deserved Compliment for the Donkeys--Invasion of the Lost Tribes of America--End of the Celebrated "Jaffa Colony"--Scenes in Grand Cairo--Shepheard's Hotel Contrasted with a Certain American Hotel--Preparing for the Pyramids
• Chapter LVIII "Recherche" Donkeys--A Wild Ride--Specimens of Egyptian Modesty--Moses in the Bulrushes--Place where the Holy Family Sojourned--Distant view of the Pyramids--A Nearer View--The Ascent--Superb View from the top of the Pyramid--"Backsheesh! Backsheesh!"--An Arab Exploit--In the Bowels of the Pyramid--Strategy--Reminiscence of "Holiday's Hill"--Boyish Exploit--The Majestic Sphynx--Things the Author will not Tell--Grand Old Egypt
• Chapter LIX Going Home--A Demoralized Note-Book--A Boy's Diary--Mere Mention of Old Spain--Departure from Cadiz--A Deserved Rebuke--The Beautiful Madeiras --Tabooed--In the Delightful Bermudas--An English Welcome--Good-by to "Our Friends the Bermudians"--Packing Trunks for Home--Our First Accident--The Long Cruise Drawing to a Close--At Home--Amen
• Chapter LX Thankless Devotion--A Newspaper Valedictory--Conclusion
• Chapter LXI
• Conclusion