Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and other foods that are available/consumable "on-the-fly."
Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down to the base metal. Application programming is for dullards who can't do systems programming.
Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get; they are lucky to get programs at all.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of a novice and the cowardly.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business Oriented Laymen who can run neither a business nor a real program.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks and get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real Programmers don't write in APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only sissy programs contain more parenthesis than actual code.
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, ADA, BLISS or any type of those other sissy computer languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
Real Programmers' program never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working order in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If an Real Programmers are around at 9 a.m., it is because they were up all night long.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain Climbing is okay and therefore Real Programmers wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real Programmers disdain from structured programming. structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained, wear neckties, and carefully line up their sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
Real Programmers don't like Team Programming. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.
Real Programmers never "write" memos on paper. They always "send" memos via E-Mail.
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Manager are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental midgets.
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules, managers "firm up" schedules and frightened coders strive to meet schedules but, Real Programmers ignore schedules.
Real Programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. And vending machines don't sell quiche.
