The following is from the British Sunday Express (probably Sun Mar 21, 1993) and details the Gongs (medals) given for Dubious Distinctions in 1992.
| The Award | The Recipient and The Dubious Distinction |
|---|---|
| Tortoise Trophy | To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule. |
| Rubber Cushion | To John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together. |
| Crimewatch Cup Gold Star |
To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. His error was having tatooed on his forehead in large capitals letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court:"My client is not a very bright young man". |
| Crimewatch Cup Silver Star |
To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number. |
| Crimewatch Cup Bronze Star |
To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side. |
| British Cup | To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then moved on to intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coitus cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment. |
| Flying Cross | To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately eaten by a cat. The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing his identification tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place. |
| Lazarus Laurel | To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathereed round her coffin in a New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock. |
| Silver Bullet | To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock, and was killed instantly when it fell on him. |
With thanks to
Franco-Baseggio@deshaw.com
Tue, 23 Mar 1993
