A woefully neglected area in the study of history is the relationship between man and duck. The duck has not always been the humble denizen of the farmpond that he is today; the duck has been one of the leading shapers of culture and history. Throughout history, ducks have been fierce warriors, great scholars, and desirable guests. Nobles of all lands have traditionally reserved table space for the lordly duck.
The formost duck of fable is, of course, Sir Caraduck. Legend has it that Caraduck appeared at Castle Terrabyl early one morning, and challenged King Arthur to tilt. Arthur, having tilted a few too many the night before[1], dispatched the Knights of the Round Table to deal with this "upstart duck". A fearsome battle ensued, in which Caraduck unhorsed thirty knights, and so annoyed Sir Lancelot that he could never endure the presence of a duck thereafter[2]. Arthur, impressed with Caraduck's prowess, invited Caraduck to feast. During the feast, a treacherous knight seized Caraduck and carried him off to Durance Vile[3]. There Sir Caraduck was placed beneath a barn door, on which great rocks were piled. So great was the weight of the rocks that Caraduck was pressed[4] through the earth, emerging in Cathay. The dashing and intrepid Caraduck soon became the favorite of the Emperor's Court, a position he enjoyed until one fateful day when he was found boring a peephole in the wall of the Emperess's bathhouse[5]. The enraged palace guard seized Caraduck, stripped him, and roasted him over a slow fire.
Second in ferocity only to Caraduck is the Dread Viking Attack Duck. Bred for battle by the Jarls of Scandinavia, the Attack Duck in his beserk rage was the epitome of avain pique. The Attack Duck, in his scaleshirt and conical helm, with his round shield and long-handled saucepan at the ready, could, it seems, only achieve an altitude of about five feet, and thus posed a serious hazard to anyone standing erect. The waves of attack ducks accompanying Harold Hardaade's invasion of England in 1066 so terrorized the army of England that to this day English speakers still prostrate themselves at the cry "duck!"
At least one attack duck achieved Valhalla, where he severly angered a hungover Thor. It is recorded that the bleary-eyed thunder god later savaged a valkyrie; he had mistaken her winged helm and waddling figure for the profile of the offending duck.
In a little know incident, the great Thomas More held discourse with a duck. More, whilst in Durance Vilel[6] prior to his execution fell into conversation with a passing teal. The duck inquired as to Thomas' state of mind; More replied that he had hope. "Well," replied the fowl, "Duck's clothes is down, but hope's is up." "Just what I need," replied More, "A down comforter."
[1]Possibly the origin of the phrase "For the morning after, a Terrabyl knight..."
[2] Prof. Percy Smythason-Jones theorizes that Lancelot's subsequent darkness was triggered by the discovery that he was sleeping upon a down matress.
[3] A small village near the Welsh border.
[4] The first recorded Pressed Duck.
[5] The "Peking Duck" incident.
[6] The aforementioned small village in Wales. For a more complete discussion of the impact of this town on history and literature, see my article "Durance Vile: Escape from Farm Life in the Middle Ages."
Author: Rory MacLeod
