UPI - HIGH COURT STRIKES DOWN NATURE'S FIRST LAW
In a decision sure to cause major controversy for several minutes, the US Supreme Court struck down the First Law of Nature, judging it to be unlawfully discriminatory.
Though never actually written down, the First Law of Nature is generally accepted by the American Bar Association to be, "If an individual or collection of individuals puts into practice or causes to be put into practice an action which, measured against the judgement of a reasonable person, is unwise or lacking in basic common sense, then the aforementioned individual or collection of individuals shall suffer all consequences resulting from that action, up to and including loss of life."
Translation: "You do something stupid, you die."
In a ruling handed down yesterday, George Bush's Supreme Court ruled that such a law was too vague and unfairly discriminatory. Justice Rhenquist, author of the decision, wrote, "The terms 'unwise' and 'basic common sense' are never defined anywhere, and are left to the interpretation of the presiding judge....[which could lead] to mutiple standards of justice." The court also felt that the penalty was too vaguely defined and too harsh. Writes Rhenquist, "It is theoretically possible for an individual to lose his/her life by, for example, sticking their tongue across a 120 volt outlet. While such an action would clearly demand explanation from the individual attempting it, it is not Our [sic] opinion that such an action warrants the penalty of death, particularly if the outlet in question lacks a label warning of such practice..."
In striking down the First Law, the Court also mandated that steps be taken to correct the discrimination the law imposed. Affirmative Action has already drafted a set of standards. Though not final, the suggestions include:
When interviewed, Dan Quayle said, "It's the most significant step forward this country has taken since Neil Diamond set foot on the moon."
Author unknown.
