How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. How many can you afford?
2. It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
3. You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
4. Whereas the party of the first part, also know as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes. 3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
How many psychiatrists/psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
a. Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
b. None, the bulb will change itself when its ready.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a. None. Thats a hardware problem.
b. Five: two to write the specification, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late!
How many (generals/politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb?
1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb?
I'll have to get back to you on that.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
a. Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Notes: This has also been said of Virginians.
b. None. They won't do it, it's electric.
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to argue about how Bill Monroe would have done it.
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it.
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one.
How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
How many federal employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They think it is a software problem.
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and...
How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
wo. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the lightbulb.
How many civil servants does it take to change the lightbulb?
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb?
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
How many brewers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
About 1/3rd less than for a regular bulb.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Please note: one to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside).
2. Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one! And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code!
Dachshund: I can't even reach the stupid lamp.
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he's finished rewiring my house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze dah-ling, let the servants.......
Labrador: Oh me, me, pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I, huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero taco bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, it's right there....
Greyhound: It isn't moving; who cares?
Cairn Terrier: I'll attack it!
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? LIGHT BULB? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. None of your damn business!
2. 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon!
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
a. Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
b. Leave us alone -- we take enough s**t as it is.
How many residents of Three Mile Island does it ...?
None. They glow in the dark.
How many Chicago Cubs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There are no lights to change.
How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
How many rednecks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to fight about it outside.
How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
51. One to screw in the bulb and fifty to sing about it.
How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
How many Mennonites does it take to put in a light bulb?
a. Six. One to put it in and five to prepare the food.
b. Seven to form a Special Ad Hoc Committee for the Replacement of Light Bulbs, which will appoint one of its members to replace it.
c. Sixteen. One to put the light bulb in, five to prepare the food, and ten to raise the barn.
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
8. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirted security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
a. Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
b. Silly, WASPs don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in a hot tub.
How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Thats not funny!!!
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really only one.
How many marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many Supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
a. None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
b. None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
a. None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
b. None of your damn business!
How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
How many ethnics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
2. Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
How many strong ethnics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Notes: topical to the resignation of interior secretary James Watt in 1983.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from Western Electric Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only).
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
How many thought police does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. There never *was* any lightbulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a lightbulb?
The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many.
(Guess the question.)
One to hold the lightbulb, and 30,000 to spin the Vatican.
How many two-year olds does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But it takes two parents to make sure that he/she DOESN'T change that bulb!
How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it!
How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
a. We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
b. None. They wait one week and then they make darkness as a standard.
c. None, Bill Gates just calls a meeting and changes the standard to darkness.
How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
LBJs collected from many sources.
