Concerning the Soviet Union

The Funny Side

Concerning the Soviet Union

Concerning the Soviet Union (before breakup of course. Now it's worse)

Story 1:

1930. The world is in the throes of an international crisis of capitalism. Friz is thinking of leaving the grinding poverty of Germany and emigrating to the Soviet Union, the working people's paradise. His friend Hans is also attracted to the idea, but he is cautious and still has reservations.

``All right, then'', says Fritz. ``I'll go first and write back and tell you what it's like. Then you can come over and join me.''

``But perhaps they have censorship'', says Hans. ``I'll tell you what: if everything is allright, use normal blue ink. But if you want to convey to me that what you're writing is not true, then use green ink.''

Fritz makes his way to the Soviet Union. Three months later Hans gets a letter from him, written in blue ink:

``Everything is just fine. There's plenty to eat and plenty to drink. I've been given a big, airy apartment and a couple of suits of clothing. I'm thinking of buying a motor-bike soon. This summer I'm off to the Black Sea for my holidays. Don't believe anything you read in the capitalist press about the Soviet Union: it's all lies. You can get everything you need here. The only thing you can't get is green ink.
Yours sincerely, Fritz.''

Story 2:

Communism, Socialism and Capitalism plan a get-together. But Socialism arrives half an hour late.

Socialism: Sorry, comrades, I had to get some sausage for dinner, and there was a long line.
Capitalism: What's a line?
Communism: What's sausage?

Story 3:

Stalin arrives in a factory to announce the meat distribution. All workers assemble in the dining hall.

-- Aren't there any trotskyists here?
Three workers raise their hands.
-- No meat for trotskyists. Go out.
They leave.
-- Any Jews?
A few people signal themselves.
-- No meat for you either. Out! Are there Poles, Germans, Ukrainians?
Ten people raise their hands.
-- Out! No kulaks?
Two more raise their hand.
-- Out! Are there people who aren't member of the Party? Because they too won't get any meat.
Most people leave the hall. There remain only five workers.
-- Well comrades, now that we are between us, I can tell you the truth.
-- There is no meat.

Story 4:

Q. Why don't Hungarian workers ever go on strike?
A. Because nobody would notice the difference.
Q. And why don't they ever work?
A. It's an old tradition in that country. The ruling class never works.

Story 5:

Stalin dies and makes his way to the heaven. St. Peter indignantly refuses him entry, and sends him down to hell.

The next day, St. Peter is woken early by a grat clamour outside his window. Looking out, he sees a huge crowd of devils, all demanding political asylum.

Story 6:

-- Come nearer to the microphone, comrade. Now tell the audience what sort of flat you have.
-- I have four rooms, a kitchen, a bathroom and a toilet.
-- Four rooms! and what did you have before?
-- One room for the whole family.
-- And are you able to save?
-- Yes. I've saved half a million roubles.
-- But that's marvellous, comrade! And before?
-- I was permanently up to my neck in debt.
-- What sort of things do you eat, comrade?
-- Steak, turkey, caviar, that sort of things.
-- And before?
-- A crust of dry bread, when I could get my hands on one.
-- Bravo comrade! And now the last question. Tell the people when this wonderful change came about in your life?
-- Just after my daughter started going out with the local Party secretary.

Author unknown.