This is a collection of taglines (one-liners), selected from the huge database at www.taglinesgalore.com.

I Brake for Brunettes, Blondes, and cold Beer!

I Come In Peace, Take Me To Your Modem.

I Don't Run Windows, and PROUD of it!

I Don't do windows. I don't have the time!

I E-mail because no one can read my handwriting.

I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me.

I Had A Life Once, Now I Have A Computer

I Had A Little Accident; I Lose A Pair Of Lungs. --Neelix

I Had a dream 999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 megs Free.

I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

I Know I Speak For All Of Us When I Say <slam>

I Like Fish --Ann Chovie

I Need Insurance --Justin Case

I Print on Steel with an Industrial Laser

I Pulled The Pin. Now What? WAIT! Where Are You Going?!?

I REALLY HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TYPE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.

I Sense.....*SLAP* Not on the bridge Will.

I Sing The Praises Of Llamas

I Snatch Kisses, and Vice-Versa!

I Will! No I Will! No I Will! .... You both can! --Troi

I accelerate for cats.

I actually saw...automobiles! --Picard

I add a little excitement and all you do is complain. --Q

I admire a woman who can use a blade

I admit I used Windows once, but I didn't multi-task.

I admit I wrote in COBOL once, but I didn't compile.

I admit it, I tried MS-DOS, but I didn't inhale.

I agree to disagree.....

I ain't cheap, but I can be had.

I always fill out my tax returns in hexadecimal!

I always get an A --Wesley

I always have too much month left at the end of my money.

I always hit the nail right on the thumb.

I always tell the truth. Even if I have to lie to do it.

I always win. It's in my contract. --Kirk

I am 007 of Borg: You will be shaken, not assimilated.

I am 3PO of Borg. And it's all your fault, R2!

I am 99.99999512% sure PGP doesn't use any floating point. --P. Zimmerman

I am Al Bundy of Borg. Aw, Peg, I assimilated you last month!

I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.

I am Alf of Borg: All cats will be assimilated.

I am Amiga of Borg. It takes a while to assimilate.

I am Barclay of Borg: er... uh.. um, Resistance is er, futile...um, er

I am Barney of Borg: Today we learned that resistance is futile.

I am Beavis of Borg. Assimilation is COOL! hehe hehe hehehe.

I am Beeblebrox of Borg. Resistance is futile. You wil--Whoa, babes!

I am Ben of Borg: I sense something... something irrelevant.

I am Bilbo of Borg. Alas, the assimilation goes ever onward.

I am Bilbo of Borg. The assimilation goes ever on...

I am Bill Gates of Borg. Your money will be assimilated.

I am Bjorn of Borg. Tennis is irrelevant.

I am Bjorn of Borg. Wimbledon is irrelevant.

I am Bobbit of Borg. Only part of me was assimilated.

I am Bones of Borg. Jim, I'm an assimilator, not a doctor.

I am Bones of Borg: He's assimilated, Jim.

I am Borg of Borg: Redundancy is irrelevant.

I am Bud of Borg. Can I assimilate you, please, just once

I am Buddha of Borg: Resistance is suffering. Suffering is useless.

I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What's up Collective?

I am Bundy of Borg. No, I won't assimilate you, Peg!

I am Bush of Borg: Read my lips...NO NEW ASSIMILATIONS!

I am C-3PO of Borg: Master Luke! We will all be Assimilated! Oh, my!

I am C3PO of Borg: And it's all your fault, R2!

I am Checkov of Borg: Shall I assimilate that wessel, keptin?

I am Churchill of Borg. We shall assimilate them on the beaches....

I am Clinton of Borg. Inhaling is irrelevant.

I am Clinton of Borg. Prepare to be Taxed.

I am Clinton of Borg. Prepare to have your wallet assimilated.

I am Clinton of Borg. Truth is irrelevant.

I am Cobain of Borg. Everything is futile. <BLAM!!>

I am DOS of Borg! Prepare... oops, out of memory!

I am Darth Vader of Borg, The FORCE is Irrelevant

I am Darth Vader of Borg: The Force has been assimilated.

I am Deanna of Borg. I sense you wish me to assimilate you

I am Dirty Harry of Borg. Go ahead...resist us, punk!

I am Dracula of Borg. Your blood will be assimulated.

I am Drunk of Borg. Reluctance is both floortile and our elephant.

I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.

I am Electrician of Borg. Resistance is futile (if less than 1 ohm).

I am Emperor of Borg: Now, young Jedi. You..Will..Be..Assimilated..ZZAAP

I am Excel of Borg. You'll see your finances being assimilated in 3D.

I am Feminist of Borg. Male resistance is futile!

I am Frodo of Borg: Your cakes and ale will be assimilated.

I am Gollum of Borg. Ressissstance is futile, my precioussss.

I am Grey. I stand between the candle and the star --Delenn.

I am IRS of Borg, Your deductions are irrelevant.

I am ISDN of Borg: Your modem is irrelevant.

I am Jadzia of Borg: No, Julian I will _not_ assimilate you.

I am Jagger of Borg. I can't get no assimilation.

I am Janet Reno of Borg. You will be incinerated.

I am Janeway of Borg. We will assimilate you with the deadliest force.

I am Janeway of Borg. You will call me "Ma'am."

I am Jesus of Borg: Assimilate your enemies.

I am Jesus of Borg: Blessed are the assimilated.

I am Julian of Borg: But Jadzia why _can't_ I assimilate you?

I am Julius of Borg: We Came, We Scanned, We assimilated.

I am Karl Marx of Borg. Workers of the world, assimilate!

I am Kelly of Borg. Can I (What's that word Daddy?)

I am Lao-tze of Borg: Be like water. Water does not resist.

I am Leia of Borg. I'd rather assimilate a Wookie!

I am Lesbian of Borg: Men are irrelevant.

I am Letterman of Borg. Here are the Top Ten Signs You're Assimilated.

I am Letterman of Borg. Ok, Top 10 reasons why resistance is futile.

I am Luke of Borg: Resistance is futile. I have a bad feeling about this

I am Madonna of Borg: Taste is irrelevant.

I am Murphy of Borg. Anything that can be assimilated will be.

I am NOT a merry man. --Worf

I am NSA of Borg. Your public key will be assimilated.

I am NT of Borg: You will not be assimilated. Existence is futile.

I am Obi Wan of Borg. Killing me is futile.

I am Odo of Borg. Shape is irrelevant.

I am Ohm of Borg; resistance is voltage/current.

I am Oliver North of Borg, I have no recollection of Assimilation.

I am PENTIUM of BORG. Division is futile. You will be Approximated

I am Picard of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated...make it so...

I am Pink Floyd of Borg: All in all, we're all just Borgs in The Wall.

I am R2D2 of Borg: Beedoop dee bleboodoop! Ooooooooooh...

I am Saddam of Borg. This is the mother of all assimilations!

I am Scotty o' Borg: Changing the laws of Physics is futile.

I am Shakespeare of Borg. Thou wilt all be assimilateth.

I am Slartibartfast of Borg, but my name is irrelevant.

I am Sledge Hammer of Borg. Trust me, I know what I'm assimilating.

I am Soran of Borg. You will escort me to the Nexus!

I am Spock of Borg. Resistance is illogical.

I am Spock of Borg: Logic would seem to dictate that I assimilate you.

I am Starship Security, I stand between certain death and a commercial!

I am Superman of Borg. Kryptonite is irrelevan... oh shit! ARRGGHH!

I am Terminator of Borg: Hasta Lassimilation, Baby!

I am Thorin son of Thrain son of Thror King Under the Mountain!

I am Too Long a Soldier. My destiny is clear.

I am Troi of Borg. How does assimilation make you feel?

I am Tuvok of Borg. Neelix most assuredly will not be assimilated.

I am Uhura of Borg: Assimalation frequencies open, sir.

I am V'Ger of Borg: Carbon units are irrelevant.

I am Vader of Borg. Luke -ssss- you will be assimilated.

I am Vader of Borg: You WILL be assimilated. It is your Destiny.

I am Vader of Borg: You will be assimilated. The Collective has foreseen it

I am Vogon of Borg. Resist and I will read poetry.

I am Windows of Borg. Your patience will be assimilated!

I am Windoze of Borg. Your disk space will be assimilated.

I am Yoda of Borg. Assimilate you I will, Yes.

I am Yoda of Borg. Assimilated you will be, hmmm?

I am Yoda of Borg. Futile is Resistance...Assimilate you, I will...

I am Zaphod of Borg. Now, where's the coolest place to be assimilated...

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

I am a material girl. Wanna see my fabric collection?

I am a mental tourist, My mind wanders!

I am a mere dabbler compared to some of the wizards in here.

I am a naughty person, therefore I must be punished

I am a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero.

I am an infinite number of monkeys with Net access!

I am an optimistic pessimist.

I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds --Oppenheimer

I am bilingual; I can talk to women as well as men!

I am completely equipped. --Data to Tasha Yar

I am created FIDO, destroyer of posts. Who is this user that defies me

I am from Iowa. I only work in outer space. --Kirk

I am going to be assertive, if that's okay with you.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I am long past innocence and fast approaching apathy. --Londo

I am mouse. Hear me click.

I am not a housewife, I am a Domestic Goddess!

I am not a molecule, I am a free radical!

I am not infallible! Omniscient, yes, but infallible?

I am not young enough to know everything.

I am not, nor ever have been a member of the Illuminati.

I am politically incorrect and proud of it!

I am so poor I can't afford to pay attention.

I am solidly behind whichever side eventually wins.

I am sorry but I couldn't resist any longer.

I am sorry my Karma ran over your Dogma.

I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.

I am struck by the feather of your soft reply --Jim Morrison

I am stuck on Windows, because Microsoft brainwashed me.

I am the computer your mother warned you about.

I am the death bird --Jim Morrison

I am the hate you try to hide, and I control you. --NIN

I am the worst-case scenario of Thomas Jefferson's dreams.

I am toxic.

I am what you fear! I'm the truth --Anthrax

I am who I pretend to be at that point in time and space.

I am your father's brother's nephue's cousin's former roomate! --Spaceballs

I am your father. --Darth Vader

I am your worst nightmare! --Rambo

I apologize for being late, Captain. --Delenn.

I apologize to the deaf for the loss of subtitles.

I asked God, and She said She is Pro-Choice!

I asked for a role in the place I reside --Course of Empire

I asked for roses, but I wasn't expecting thorns.

I asked the Bank Teller to check my balance, so he pushed me

I asked you not to tell me that. --Maxwell Smart

I assure you I seek only knowledge. --Babylon 5.

I avoid men in white uniforms carrying straitjackets.

I backed up my hard drive and crashed into a truck!

I became a Co-Pilot after watching the movie Airplane.

I became a masculinist as an alternative to becoming a masochist.

I become a public health hazard after 44 hours of sleep deprivation.

I began as a passion and ended as a habit, like all husbands. --G. B. Shaw

I behaved...inappropriately --Riker

I believe all extremists should be shot.

I believe in Free Speech, but I'd still rather be paid for it.

I believe in L. Ron "Mother" Hubbard.

I believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Gun Control....

I believe in an individual's freedom to be happy. --Heinlein

I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures.

I believe in equality. I believe all people are equally inferior to me

I believe in long, slow, deep, wet kisses that last three days

I believe in supporting the metric system every inch of the way

I believe in the Big Bang. God said it & bang it happened!

I believe in the philosophy of Marx (that's Groucho, not Karl)

I believe in the sanctity of divorce

I believe in world peace ... as a last resort.

I believe men should fight their own battles.

I believe my growth as an artifical life form has reached an impasse.

I believe my response would be, "Go to hell." --Spock

I believe someone has failed to terminate my program. Please respond. --HoloDoc

I believe that if anything can go weird, it will

I believe the Big Bang Theory... and I know who lit the fuse.

I believe there is a higher power: it's called the government.

I bet pilots in computerized cockpits don't use Windows!

I bet the human brain is a kludge. --Marvin Minsky

I bite harder ...

I bought a computer book called "Dos Kapital." Wierd!

I bought a cordless extension cord.

I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.

I bought a new camouflage shirt and now I can't find it!

I bought an internal modem, but I can't swallow it.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included

I brake for Unicorns.

I bring you 15 commandments oops CRASH 10 commandments.

I broke my arm trying to hold open a revolving door for a girl.

I called her a dumb blonde. She said, "No help wanted!"

I can be a great disturbance in the Force.

I can burn my bridges, because I never retreat.

I can fly...I can fly... I can fl....{{SPLAT}}!

I can handle pain until it hurts.

I can handle reality in small doses.

I can keep a secret. It's the people I tell that cannot.

I can levitate birds, but nobody cares. --Steven Wright

I can make the earth stop in its tracks. --Jim Morrison

I can name all ten of the Seven Dwarves!

I can neither confirm nor deny knowledge of that subject.

I can see clearly now, Windows is gone.

I can see the synapses beginning to fire behind your eyes. --Londo.

I can see your Schwartz is as big as mine. --Spaceballs

I can seek clearly now, doublespace is gone...

I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.

I can type very fast, but only when I have a keyboard.

I can't afford to be broke anymore!!!

I can't always control what my mind thinks!

I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!

I can't be wrong; my modem is error-correcting!

I can't beleive you fell for the oldest trick in the book!

I can't even get Windows 95 run on my Cray Y-MP; it's just too slow!

I can't even get Windows 95 work on my ZX80 :-(

I can't find the '-' on my telephone dial.

I can't find the 'any' key!

I can't forget about you.

I can't get ACAD12 to work on my TRS-80...

I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. --the Wizard of Oz

I can't go to school because I ain't got a gun. --Alice Cooper

I can't hear you, type louder

I can't hear you. There's a banana republic in my ear.

I can't imagine why women like men.

I can't make decisions! I'm the president!

I can't remember where I parked my hard disk.

I can't scream for HELP! My F1 key is racing: in Monaco.

I can't see the diff. can you see the diff?? I can't see the diff

I can't seem to be able to count past...14. --Vir.

I can't use Windows! My cat ate my mouse...

I canna change the laws of physics, but I can find ya some loopholes.

I canna' change the laws of assimilation --Scotty of Borg

I cannot live without my books. --Thomas Jefferson

I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience. --Yoda

I chased Fido with a net!

I chop down trees, I wear high heels, Suspendies and a bra. --Monty Python

I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.

I come from a broken home. I'm the one who broke it.

I come in peace.... Then leave in pieces!

I come unbundled.

I compacted my editor but my messages are no smaller.

I confess to an unatural and abnormal act: I've programmed computers.

I consider reality an intrusion on my dreams.

I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

I could buy a 3DO, or I could eat this year! Decisions, decisions...

I could eat a dictionary & puke a better tagline.

I could get lost inside your arms.

I could get this kind of abuse at home

I couldn't replace you, I don't know what you are.

I couldn't resist!

I counted you among the dead the minute you touched that girl. --Crow.

I cried when Peebles and Bam Bam got married.

I cross my heart and hope you die!

I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers... --M. Python

I decided to take a personal interest in your career. You're fired.

I degrade myself for the pleasure of others.

I did it. I killed them all.

I did not commit a fatal error!

I did not say this. I was not here. --The Guild Navigator

I did read the docs. That's why I'm confused.

I did send a copy of the disk; I xeroxed it!

I did sign the organ donor card, but I thought you'd wait till I was dead

I did so! - or not! (Depending on whether or not I was supposed to)

I did start using Taglines, but I never inhaled.

I didn't *steal* your girlfriend! I just *borrowed* her for a while!

I didn't appreciate Barbara Bush till Hillary slithered in.

I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain just to eat veggies.

I didn't create reality... I'm just trapped in it!

I didn't design the room. I just work here.

I didn't do it, the *computer* did it!

I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!

I didn't expect to die my first day on the job. --Harriman.

I didn't get the documentation for the manuals!

I didn't hit it that hard. It must have had a self-destruct. --Han Solo

I didn't inhale. --Bill Clinton

I didn't lose my mind; it's here somewhere.

I didn't make this world. I only brought it to its knees.

I didn't mean to blow up the Academy --Wesley

I die Mondays.

I disarmed the trap.

I disclaim my disclaimer!

I discovered QModem is not part of the Continuum.

I do a lot of research, especially in the apartments of tall blondes.

I do know a few things about anatomy, Jean-Luc. --Beverly

I do more work all day than some people do before 5 AM.

I do not accept gifts from disapproving gentlemen. --Audrey Hepburn

I do not eat living food.

I do not eat snails! I prefer fast food.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. --Isaac Asimov

I do not feel well.

I do not have diplomatic immunity. --Bart Simpson.

I do not have the same resources I once had, Captain. --Delenn

I do not in any way represent the views or policies of my employer.

I do not like any of my loved ones.

I do not love my computer. What? I'm not whispering!

I do not specialize in normal, sorry.

I do not think you realize the gravity of your situation.

I do not understand the threat I bring to you.

I do visit reality... although it's on a tourist visa.

I do what the little voices tell me to.

I don't .GIF a damn about my bad .REPutation!!

I don't believe anybody. --Garibaldi

I don't believe in miracles, I rely on them.

I don't believe in no-win scenarios. --James T. Kirk

I don't believe in painted roses or bleeding hearts --U2

I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat.

I don't buy any books on impulse; I buy on WARP!

I don't call 911.

I don't care *whose* dog you are, you will not snarl at me!

I don't care about apathy.

I don't do WINDOWS, but my clients wish I did.

I don't eat snails. I prefer fast food.

I don't even like apples! (Adam to God)

I don't fear Government, I fear the fools that elect them!

I don't get even; I get odd.

I don't give a damn whether he's dead or not, Jim!

I don't hate Windows, it runs great on wine under Linux; but then, highly drunk

I don't have a life. I have a computer.

I don't know much about panda bears, Number One. --Picard

I don't know what to do! I can't make decisions! I'm a president!

I don't like broccoli either.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

I don't mind being screwed, but the government thinks I'm a nymph.

I don't miss deadlines, I ignore them.

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.

I don't need SLOWDOWN.COM. I have Windows!

I don't need a disclaimer. I OWN the company.

I don't own any slaves. My wife has one, though.

I don't steal... I reverse-engineer.

I don't use PATH, just leave a trail of crumbs on my hard drive...

I don't use Windows, I know how to type!

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. --M. C. Escher

I don't usually shoot people. The paperwork is a pain in the butt!

I don't want it Now, or Right Now, I want it YESTERDAY!

I don't want much from you, just your total submission.

I don't want to be a cynic, but it's hard...

I don't want to be literate, I just want to program

I don't want to be there when it's time for me to die.

I don't want to die now! I've still got a headache! --Arthur Dent.

I doubleclicked on help, pointed at my wife, and the system crashed.

I doubt any God who inflicts pain for his own pleasure. --McCoy

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I dreamed I met God. He sneezed, and I didn't know what to say to him.

I drive X11/Linux now cause I'm sick of being a crash dummy for Windows.

I dropped my old Hayes modem on my foot... talk about "mega-hurts".

I eat coffee straight from the can. Why dilute it?

I eat, I sleep, I play. I'm a cat. It's my job.

I embrace poverty! To annoy me, send money.

I even tried stickin' hot dogs in the warp drive... --Scotty

I failed the Rorschach test!

I favor capital punishment, but only for consenting adults

I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. --Virgil (19 BC)

I fed the cat . . . to the dog.

I feel pain. What's the word? Ow? --Q Yes. --Data

I feel the conflict within you. Let go of your hate. --Luke

I felt a great disturbance in the Force. --Obi Wan Kenobi

I figure in July I should have some time to breathe.

I figured out why the world is such a mess: God uses Windows!

I find it only fitting that MICROSOFT.COM is not a valid MS-DOS filename.

I find myself intrigued by your sub vocal oscillations.

I find push buttons very depressing......

I find you guilty! said the judge with conviction.

I find your lack of faith... disturbing. --Darth Vader

I forgive you your blasphemy --Q

I forgot my "*****".

I forgot my homework. Can I fax it to you when I get home?

I forgot to pay my brain bill.

I forgot, therefore I am not.

I found a Windows secret! Add BUGS=OFF in your WIN.INI

I found a machine that would do half my work & bought two.

I found a mouse in my beer, eh.

I found my Trill On Daxberry Hill..

I found the "ANY" key! It's next to the "OTHER" key.

I found the Pentium problem... there's one too many Gates.

I found the light at the end of the tunnel. It was on a train!

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. --Mae West

I get E-Mail. Therefore I am.

I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal. --Zaphod

I get the impression that Windows is written in compiled LOGO.

I give 'em to the Kligons sir... Where they'll be no Tribble a'tall.

I give you the 15 ... SMASH ... 10 Commandments

I go Crazy, Crazy, Crazy for you baby.... --Aerosmith

I got a 155MBit/s ATM DCU and now my messages get lost even faster!

I got a french modem! $%*()@!@#%$^$%#$*$ PAS DE CARRIER

I got a life once. Didn't like it. Traded it in for a faster modem

I got a mind like a steel trap; it's rusty & illegal in 19 states.

I got arrested for going 14400 in a 2400 zone!

I got email from a blonde; there was a stamp on it.

I got out of bed for *this*?

I got the Honky Tonk blues.

I got the Jeep and she got the palace.

I got the clearance,Clarence. Roger,Roger. Vector,Victor? --Airplane

I gotta finish my morning coffee before I start replying!

I graduated from the Peg Bundy School of Cooking.

I grew up on the boulevard of broken dreams.

I guess this means we can't get 30 minute pizza delivery --Tom Paris

I hacked it, but I didn't get root --Bill Clinton

I hacked mainframes before there were pc's!

I had a dream when I was young / A dream of sweet illusion. --Queen

I had a dream: DIR C: 98888728385729103805 KBytes free

I had a dream: Sword +1, +5 vs. Democrats

I had a handle on life, but it broke.

I had a void in the shape of you!

I had an affair but I didn't enjoy it and I didn't climax. --Bill Clinton

I had dreams of her dancing around me all night long... --Airplane

I had low blood pressure. My doctor sent me a bill. I'm fine now.

I had no idea. NO idea at all! --Sheridan Yes. --Kosh.

I had nothing against women till I married one, now I have nothing!

I had proof of the existence of God, but it didn't fit here... --Fermat (mod.)

I had supernatural powers, I tried Windows... Now I'm 1st level again.

I had to admit I am the greatest. I was under oath.

I had to delete Windows, my cat ate the mouse.

I had to risk more in life before I could risk more in poetry. --Kaufman

I had to shoot him, officer! He was about to hurt himself!!

I had trouble in school. I was using a BLACK highlighter.

I happen to like nice men. --Leia to Han Solo

I hate Shadows, they hate me, we're a Vorlon family...

I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries! --Spaceballs

I hate all that silence. Can't hear it anymore!

I hate birthdays. They remind you your days are numbered. --Garfield

I hate disintegration, watching us wither --Tori Amos

I hate him! I wish my mother was here --Alexander

I hate it when Humans think they have rights. --Any Computer

I hate it when my Neutrinos drift on me

I hate it when my Schwartz gets twisted! --Dark Helmet

I hate it when the government tells me what I need.

I hate line noise when I'm trying to @#$@!@#!_@$NO CARRIER

I hate mornings. They start too early in the day. --Garfield

I hate people who say "I know it's off-topic.. but..."

I hate quotations. Tell me what YOU know. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hate sloppy release code. Probably why I don't go near Windows.

I hate these `[0;1;5;32;44mBLINKING`[0m taglines!!

I hate what you say, but I'll defend to my death your right to say it.

I have *got* to stop bouncing those reality checks.

I have 100 GB of software, All on 360K floppies!

I have 1st amendment righ@#$% NO CARRIER

I have 3 networked Pentiums... heats my house all winter!

I have Linux because it takes less space than Micro$loth Dos and Windows.

I have a *wife*? Good heavens, why wasn't I informed? --jms

I have a black belt in origami... stop or I'll fold you!

I have a brand new hard drive and a corrupted backup!

I have a collect call from Mars. Do you accept?

I have a dream... a 622 MBit/s ATM Internet connection at home!

I have a drinking problem. If Jake has 5 beers and Dan has 4...

I have a friend who is a B747 pilot. I said 'Hi Jack'. He shot me.

I have a good eye, Uncle, I can see a tagline by daylight. --Tagspeare

I have a magnetic personality... keep me away from diskettes.

I have a map of the United States that's actual size.

I have a mind like a steel trap; what DOES it take to trap steel??

I have a photographic memory, but I've run out of film.

I have a price on my head. If I don't pay off Jabba, I'm a dead man. --Han Solo

I have a promise to keep. To slay the dragon? No, to heal it.

I have a real bad feeling about this... --Han Solo

I have a vitally important role serving as a bad example.

I have all the money I'll ever need... if I die by 3 o'clock!

I have all the specs and diagrams at home... --Sergei Roschenko

I have an appointment with eternity, and I don't want to be late. --Soran

I have become Death, the Shatterer of Worlds.

I have become comfortably numb. --Pink Floyd

I have been...and always will be...your friend --Spock

I have carried your soul. I can't fill your shoes --McCoy

I have charts and graphs that prove I'm right.

I have crawled... down dead end streets... on my hands and knees.

I have decided that today is not a good day to die.

I have decided to allow you to do what I cannot prevent.

I have dynamic memory, it needs constant refreshing...

I have engaged the enemy. The wedding is this friday.

I have found a clue! Now, where did I put it???

I have full diplomatic access. --Garibaldi.

I have given my pain a name. And it is Batman... err... Windows!

I have grown older, and you have grown colder --Pink Floyd

I have invented the world I see.

I have it on good authority that I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

I have learned tolerance from the intolerant, kindness from the unkind.

I have lost my mind, but it must be backed-up somewhere.

I have made no undetected errors...

I have melted the thin line between genius and insanity.

I have multiple personalities. No I don't! Yes I do!

I have my orders from the Emperor himself.

I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.

I have never killed anyone at the dinner table. --K'urn

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never met a nymphomaniac... If I had, I wouldn't be here.

I have no fear, for my teddy bear is near!

I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight... --King Arthur, The Holy Grail

I have no special love for the Minbari, or their poets. --G'Kar

I have not failed. I've just found ways that won't work.

I have not seen as far as others because giants were standing on my shoulders.

I have not yet begun to byte!

I have nothing against Windows. It is a great solitaire game.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. --Syrus

I have one hell of a headache. --Janeway

I have one request: may i never use my reason against truth.

I have only one burning desire. Let me stand next to your fire. --Hendrix

I have only one life. I will live it armed.

I have plenty of WILLpower; I need some WON'Tpower!

I have see the truth and it makes no sense.

I have seen the darkened depths of Hell

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. --Albran

I have so much to do. I'm going to bed.

I have the best Senator that money can buy.

I have the greatest enthusiasm for the mission. --HAL 9000

I have the heart of a Republican... in a jar on my desk!

I have the most perfect confidence in your indiscretion.

I have this real moronic habit, called THINKING.

I have this terrible pain in the diodes all down my left side.

I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

I have to do it before I have time for second thoughts.

I have to fix all the bugs, and add some new features, Tom maintained.

I have to rotate my crops.

I have to study for a blood test.

I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

I have to think twice before I give it a second thought.

I haven't broken the rules in a long time, I guess I'm about due.

I haven't killed anyone in.. what time is it, anyway? --Janier

I haven't lost my mind, Just my Hard Drive.

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I hear President Clinton is naming you Secretary of the Inferior.

I hear a sound, humming just above the ground --Course of Empire

I hear she gives really good ear --Quark to his brother

I hear the Schmaltz Police knocking on my door.

I hear they drummed you out of the Continuum --Guinan to Q

I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.

I hear you loud and clear, but the picture is fuzzy.

I hit Ctrl again and again, but I'm still not in control!

I hit the CTRL switch, but this aircraft is still out of control!

I hooked up my battery backwards, now my horn sucks.

I hope I did not do anything unbecoming a Starfleet officer.

I hope I die before I get old.

I hope I get what I want before I stop wanting it.

I hope I'm not in the bath when opportunity knocks!

I hope I'm not out when my ships comes in.

I hope O.J.'s next girlfriend is Lorena Bobbitt.

I hope flies don't go to heaven when they die.

I hope for your sake you are initiating a mating ritual.

I hope that Schroedinger guy put kitty litter in there...

I hope the day after I die is a nice day.

I hope these are the right coordinates. --O'Brien.

I hope we'll still be friends.

I hope your animal is treating you kindly.

I hope your physical assets exceed your cerebral connectivity.

I however refuse to mate for the enjoyment of others.

I hunt flies with a sledge hammer....and get em!!!!

I hunt with nuclear warheads, Ya kill AND cook with the SAME shot!!!

I idiot-proof my programs, but along comes a bigger idiot.

I installed Windows into my car computer and it crashed.

I intend to live forever, or die trying!

I invented a cordless extension cord.

I invest in Negotiable Blondes.

I is knot dain bramaged!

I joined the Navy to *see* the world; not to *sea* the world!

I joined the Navy to see the world and all I saw was the sea.

I just COULDN'T resist!!!

I just booted my computer... it went 20 yards!

I just can't wait to be King! --Elvis age 10

I just do it.

I just escaped the twilight zone and fell into the 0zone.

I just found out my cat's a fake. She came when I called.

I just found the last bug!

I just got arrested for resisting arrest!

I just got my phone bill. Buy AT&T stock now!

I just had a mental breakdown. Got any jumper cables?

I just had an emotional breakdown. Wanna give me a lift?

I just had one beer ocifer! A pony keg.

I just hope we don't all beam back looking like Data! --Riker.

I just keep my eyes closed and hope for the best

I just naturally respect pretty girls in tight sweaters.

I just planted an Algebra tree. It has square roots.

I just play here.

I just read some light fiction: My income-tax return.

I just send my income to Washington. Who can afford taxes?

I just work here.

I knew I remembered you from somewhere. Congress right? You..<Punch>..

I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes! --Dark Helmet

I knew she was shareware the first time I laid eyes on her.

I knew there was more to you than money! --Leia

I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.

I know engineers. They love to change things. --McCoy

I know nothing but the fact of my ignorance. --Socrates

I know the answers... as long as you ask the right questions.

I know the truth when I look into your eyes.

I know this ship like the back of my hand...(BONK!!) --Scotty

I know this violates the laws of physics, but... I never studied law.

I know why the post office is so slow. They use windows.

I know you know the answer, but do you know the question?

I know. Somehow... I've always known. --Leia

I learned from Star Trek: If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty.

I like a good beer buzz early in the morning. --Sherryl Crow

I like my coffee *strong*, not lethal! --Col. Potter

I like stress, it makes me feel alive

I like the women's movement, especially from behind one.

I like to leave messages *before* the beep.

I like women a little on the trashy side.

I like women just like computer code: fast, tight & easy.

I like writing artificially intelligent programs, Tom lisped.

I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

I liked him better before he was dead. --McCoy on Spock.

I live in a quiet neighborhood... We use silencers.

I live in the desert with a cat with no brain...

I live in the past, the rent is cheaper.

I live so far out in the country, my zipcode is EIEIO!

I look better on a woman!

I look forward to your report Mr. Broccoli..er..Barclay --Picard

I looked into the darkness, Na'toth --G'Kar

I looked up at her and asked how much is that gonna cost?

I looked up executrix. It has nothing to do w/ leather and high heels.

I lost family as well on the Black Star. --Lennier.

I lost my lucky ball & chain; now she's four years gone.

I love /dev/null.

I love Oriental women; they're the nicest people you can come across.

I love a good political joke... unless it gets elected.

I love a tall, cold, glass of green water(!#$ NO PERRIER

I love my country, but I fear elected officials and feminists.

I love my country, but fear it's government!

I love supercomputers! giggled Tom crayzily.

I love the Crack of Dawn. She's sweet!

I love the Net!

I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I love the smell of E-mail in the morning!

I love the smell of napalm in the morning. --Apocalypse Now

I love this nation, but we have some of the stupidest people here.

I love this new mail reader with the auto reply feature!

I love to snatch kisses, and vice-versa

I love women... I'm just not sure if I could eat a whole one!

I love your plan Hillary, but ^&*&*NO CARRIER

I madam, I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I?

I make love, not war!..... Wow, that's a blast from the past, isn't it

I make passes at women who wear glasses...

I married a bad girl but she went good on me.

I may be fat, but your ugly, and I can always diet.

I may be going to Hell in a Bucket, But at least I'm enjoying the Ride

I may be gone tomorrow, but that won't mean I wasn't here today.

I may flirt with insanity, but I have no plans to consummate!

I may get to work late, but I make it up by leaving early.

I may growl, but I never bite. (Unless asked, of course.) --Dire Wolf

I may not be Spock, I am not a Vulcan, but I am not _stupid_.

I may not be right, but I'm never wrong!

I may rise but I refuse to shine.

I mentioned my 'Hard drive' and she giggled expectantly.

I met Superman once. He had a firm handshake. --Mr. E.

I met some crazy people. They made me their leader

I met the surgeon general. She offered me a cigarette!

I miss my Ex-wife, but my aim is improving.

I miss my old chair --Kirk

I miss my old chair. --Kirk

I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

I missed being god by one vote! --Odin

I missed my exit on the information superhighway!

I missed my girlfriend... Then I reloaded...

I multitask... I read in the bathroom!

I must be a sex object. I say Sex? and she objects.

I must be dead, I speak but nobody hears me! --Al Bundy.

I must protest Captain, I am *NOT* a Merry Man! --Worf

I nearly saw Elvis one night, but my shovel broke.

I need 6 hours of screaming, biting, clawing sex right about now!

I need Windoze like a fish needs a bicycle!

I need a Virtual Reality check.

I need a bath. You have the bridge. --Troi to Worf

I need a hug.

I need a lawyer to protect me from my lawyer.

I need a longer extension for my umbilical cord.

I need accurate, brief, and non-redundant information.

I need all the help I can get!

I need an altitude adjustment.....

I need hard data. --Tasha Yar.

I need to drink enough beer to reach a state of deep cerebral paralysis.

I need warp speed in 3 minutes or we are all dead.

I never beamed up 400 tons before. --Scotty, ST IV, The Voyage Home

I never believe anything until it's been officially denied.

I never could get the hang of Thursdays --Arthur Dent

I never defile life, Dr., even I. --Palindromic Pig.

I never do things on impulse; warp speed is much faster.

I never have trouble meeting expenses, I meet them everywhere.

I never knew the true meaning of a spanking until I was 24.

I never knew what it meant to be real --Jim Morrison

I never met a Window I liked... or one that worked.

I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.

I never promised you a prose garden.

I never promised you a rose garden...

I never really appreciated Barbara Bush till Hillary slithered in.

I never receive bills to pay; there's a CRC error in my ZIP code!

I never spit in your drink, why do you smoke in my air?

I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. --Albert Einstein

I now return to my regularly scheduled flame-throwing.

I object to sex on TV, I keep falling off!

I offer you your enemies.

I often sleep like a baby. I wake at 2:00, 4:00, 6:00...

I once found myself in the G.U.E, (Great Underground Empire).

I once saw a 5 bit vacuum-tube computer.

I once tried C. I think it's still compiling 'Hello World'.

I once was as you are, but you will never be as I am

I only create zombies during working hours --Unix Network Programmer

I only got a C in programming.

I only kill people on days that end with 'y'.

I only use YALE graphics.

I open Windows with a closed mind

I opened Windows and a bunch of bugs flew in!

I ordered a chicken and an egg sandwich. The chicken came first.

I owe my first born child to Visa.

I own Hell - my wife gave it to me this morning.

I own a CP/M Machine.. I Don't Do WINDOWS!

I own my own body, but I share.

I paint what I see. See that dragon over there?

I parked my hard disk, now I can't find it!

I parked my hard drive - and got a ticket!

I passed my ethics exam. I cheated of course.

I performed an exorcism today. It seems that a daemon crashed the computer...

I picked a bad day to stop breathing helium.

I picked the wrong day to give up ampheitimines. --Airplane I

I picked the wrong day to quit drinking. --Airplane I

I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue. --Airplane I

I plan to be more spontaneous.

I plan to live forever, or die trying!

I plead not guilty by reason of computer-induced insanity.

I possess an unhealthy diversity of interests.

I prefer a dose of common sense --McCoy

I prefer liberty with danger to peace with slavery. --J. J. Rousseau

I prefer sci-fi to reality. Sci-fi makes sense!

I prefer the company of equals. --Riker

I prefer to call it the Prime Suggestion. --James T. Kirk

I pressed REDIAL on a brand new phone and it had a nervous breakdown.

I pretend to work - they pretend to pay me.

I program, therefore I am.

I promise I won't bite, said the swimming Lawyer to the shark.

I promise to take good care of your cat. --Schroedinger

I protest, Captain! I am NOT a merry man! --Worf

I push the TURBO button on my PC REAL hard whenever I'm in a hurry.

I pushed the "delete" key, and my computer vanished!

I put BUGS=OFF in config.sys and now Windows won't load!

I put Windows into my car computer and I had an accident.

I read about the risks of drinking, I gave up reading.

I read banned books!

I read it on USENET so it must be true.

I read the book, saw the movie and bought the T-shirt

I read the docs, but the nurses were more fun.

I really don't care if I win or lose, but why don't I ever win?

I really don't have time for this. --Hercules

I really like men - every woman should own one, and have a backup.

I really should not respond to my mail before I have my coffee.

I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I refuse to be intimidated by reality anymore

I refuse to deny anything....

I refuse to obey that French 'No Smoking' sign, fumed Tom defensively.

I refuse to pollute my system with Windoze!

I refuse to support President Clinton and her husband's health plan.

I registered SLiMeR and all I got was this stupid tagline

I remember 1st time I loaded Windoze...its still loading!

I remember back when Jay Leno was funny.

I remember everything that I haven't forgotten

I remember when Saturns were rockets, not cars.

I remember when Sex was safe and Rugby was dangerous...

I remember when these little one-liners were called fortune cookies.

I remember when, baby sitters were called mothers.

I reserve the right to be totally wrong!

I reserve the right to go insane when necessary.

I respect you too much to take advantage at this time...

I run My Slow Darned Old System, ver. 6.

I said "Beam me aboard" not "Beem me a ford!"

I said "Orbit the planet...NOT nuke the site."

I said "go to the *LDS* Center," NOT "go to the *LSD* Center!!!"

I said BetaZOID! Not Beta TESTER! --Troi.

I said LUNCH not LAUNCH!!!!

I said hit HIM with the fireball, not me! (D*mn wizards.)

I said she wets fire hydrants.

I said, Death in Texas not Death and Taxes.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I saw a vacuum tube in the Smithsonian once.

I saw her first!

I saw the light! It hurt my eyes.

I say old boy, pull out of that dive - ^&@$ -- [NO HARRIER].

I say put Shroedinger in the box and see how he likes it!

I see you're feeling particularly blonde today.

I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. --Spaceballs

I sense a commercial coming. --Troi

I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell out.

I shop, therefore I am broke.

I shot JFK and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.

I smoke 16 cigars a day. Drink five Martinis a day. My doctor is dead.

I smoked a GIF once, but I didn't inhale.

I snatch kisses. (and vice versa)

I sold my soul to Satan. He wanted a refund, but I said, "No."

I solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car.

I speak American and I can go anyplace in the world. --Frank Burns

I speak English, but Perl is my native tongue.

I speak for myself... no one else would want the responsibility.

I speak good Japanese: Toyota not Honda, Sony not Isuzu.

I spent 3 weeks childproofing my home. They still get in.

I spent lastnight in the arms of a girl in Louisiana

I spent most of my money on beer and women - the rest I just wasted.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. --Steven Wright.

I stared Death straight in the eye. He blinked first. I won!

I started with a ZX-81... and look what it got me into.

I still believe in you.

I still can manage a smile...

I still got her number, but i can't reach her anymore.

I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.

I still recall the taste of your tears.

I stood you up more times than the Star Spangled Banner!

I suggest a new strategy R2. Let the Wookie win. --C3PO

I suggest that you stick your fingers in your ears and hum. --Sheridan

I survived Doom and all I got was this stinkin' T-Shirt.

I survived the First Amazon Cavalry PMS Battalion!

I survived the german Autobahn!

I swelled until I burst, and you fell down to earth --Course of Empire

I think I just sexually harrassed myself!

I think I know why your source code runs so slow...

I think I need a Lear Jet. --Pink Floyd

I think I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I think I'm allergic to Mondays AND Mornings.

I think I'm allergic to governments.

I think The Doctor would *confuse* the Borg.

I think all feminists should work as housewives, said Tom deliberately.

I think in digital, therefore I am online.

I think not, said Descartes... and promptly vanished.

I think not, therefore I am not!NO CARRIER

I think that I'm the friendliest guy in my zipcode.

I think the behavior is genetic.

I think there's a data leak in here!

I think therefore I am ... I think.

I think therefore I am a Consumer.

I think therefore I am obviously overqualified.

I think we know each other well enough. --Sisko to Dukat

I think we should differentiate the magnetic flux, said Tom defiantly.

I think we should put a ban on all censorship.

I think we're in trouble. --Han Solo

I think, therefore I am paid.

I think... therefore I am not politically correct.

I think... therefore I am overqualified.

I think... therefore I'm dangerous.

I think... therefore, I'm single.

I think; therefore, I'm single.

I thought I could teach him as well as Yoda taught me...

I thought I felt bad when I had no shoes until I met the man who had no feet.

I thought I had a back-up, but she refused to type it in again.

I thought I was dead once, then I found out I was just in Arkansas...

I thought I was fine until feminism redefined me!

I thought I was in trouble, but I was in Tribble. Now I'm in trouble!

I thought I was insane once. I must have been crazy

I thought I would send YOU on this adventure. --Gandalf

I thought a "hard drive" was NY to LA in 2 days!

I thought about being born again, but mom refused.

I thought of you, and the years and all the sadness fell away from me.

I thought she had a 4-hour orgasm, then I found out she was epileptic.

I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me. --C-3PO

I thought this was a pleasure cruise, where are the Whips & Chains?

I thoughtlessly reinstalled Windoze the other night.

I told my ex, "Don't move, I want to forget you just the way you are."

I took my check to the bank today. It was too little to go by itself.

I took poison, from the poison stream, then I floated outta here --U2

I took the road less traveled and fell in a hole.

I tread the thin line between fantasy and fiction.

I tremble when I reflect that God is just.

I tried APL, but it was all Greek to me!

I tried LSD but I didn't actually swallow.

I tried Windoze once, but I didn't inhale!

I tried computer dating once; I decided I preferred women.

I tried paying my income tax with a smile but they wanted cash.

I tried reality but it didn't pay enough.

I tried reality, but it required Windows.

I tried to contain myself, but I escaped!

I tried to draw a picture of my shadow but it kept moving.

I tried to drown my problems but found out they can swim.

I tried to drown my sorrows, but they can swim.

I tried to get a life, but it was too expensive.

I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

I turned up the brightness on my TV, but the shows are still stupid.

I typed Format COM1: and killed a telephone operator!

I understand your concern. Request denied --Data

I use my college calculus book everyday, It's under my monitor! ...

I use the Bourne Again Shell, said Tom bashfully.

I use windows...on my car, on my house, but not on my computer!

I used to be computer illiterate. Then I dumped Windows!

I used to have a Life. Now I have a girlfriend?

I used to have a handle on life, then DOS closed it...

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

I used to have a psychic girlfriend but she dumped me before we met.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead!

I waited and waited. when no message came, I knew it must be from you.

I want Christina Applegate's panties with her in 'em!

I want Kelly Bundy for Fathers Day, Xmas, Birthday...

I want Kirstie Alley for Christmas.

I want Lantastic on my Apple ][+ NOW!

I want Sharon Stone for my Birthday!

I want a lobotomy - everyone else has one!

I want a pocket CRAY with a Megabaud modem.

I want a warm bed and a kind word - and unlimited power!

I want everything; do you have it??

I want one of those new Cray palmtops!

I want to be with you, I want to dream with you.

I want to believe.

I want to buy a new computer... So how much is NCC-1701-D?

I want to learn the ways of the Force, become a Jedi like my father.

I want to lick you all over.....

I want to live forever or die in the attempt.

I want to see a negative result first.

I want to take shelter from the poison Rain --U2

I want you take me, I want you to break me, I want you to throw me away!

I want you to help me to die. --Worf to Riker

I warn you not to underestimate my powers.

I was a Catholic once too. Boy, what a cult!

I was a Starfleet engineer for 52 years, Mr. LaForge. --Scotty

I was a banker, but lost interest

I was a snowball in hell.

I was arrested for resisting arrest.

I was arrested for stripping high order bits in public.

I was arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

I was born American, I live American, I shall die American.

I was born free: I will DIE free!

I was born in 1693. The room next to mine was 1695.

I was born in Chicago and went to school in New York. What a commute.

I was country when country wasn't cool...

I was given the gift of Tongues, but my cat stole it.

I was goin' Chopin', but I forgot my Liszt! Had to go Bach to get it.

I was going 186,000 miles per second, Officer? Damn!

I was lookin' for love in all the wrong places...

I was normal once, but I got better.

I was seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.

I was the teacher's pet. She couldn't afford a dog.

I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words. --Spock

I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I was waiting for the sign to turn green, officer

I wasn't driving too fast, I was flying too low.

I wasn't expecting a kind of Spanish Inquisition...

I went insane trying to take a close-up picture of the horizon.

I went insane, with intervals of horrible sanity.

I went mad once. Did me a world of good.

I went through a STOP sign because I don't believe everything I read.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out!

I went to the International Date Line, but still couldn't get a date.

I will defend the Constitution... even against the government!

I will do Windows, under protest!

I will fight for freedom, and what remains of my country!

I will fight for your right to your wrong opinion.

I will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

I will never forget rising at the crack of Dawn.

I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, briefed, debriefed, or numbered!

I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations.

I will not raise taxes on the middle class... --Clinton.

I will take a vow of silence regarding this. --Lennier

I will tell you its fairly rare and very unstable.

I will try some of your burned, replicated bird meat.

I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.

I wish I could remember where I parked my hard disk...

I wish I could step on this program's bug.

I wish I had STACK OVERFLOW in my wallet!!!

I wish I had a lower IQ so I could enjoy your company!

I wish I knew a girl who gave BED & BREAKFAST a new meaning!

I wish I knew everthing, but obviously I don't

I wish I knew what I was doing!

I wish I was Bill Gates or, at least, that I had all his money.

I wish I'd been a girlie just like my dear papa.

I wish Noah had squashed those two fleas.

I wish Noah would have stepped on those two cockroaches.

I wish life had a scroll-back buffer!

I wish life had an editable scroll-back buffer...

I wish my husband would stop flirting with my girlfriend.

I wish that Noah had swatted those two mosquitos.

I wish the whole world had one throat with my hands around it.

I wish you humans would leave me alone.

I wished for the most beautiful women in the world.

I won't be satisfied until I have a desktop CRAY with 9,000 Gb memory.

I wonder how humanity managed to survive?

I wonder if Bill Gates' new bride will do windows?

I wonder if Cardassian food is as grim as their architecture?

I wonder if Data has a 16550 UART?

I wonder if Stacker would work on Isolinear Chips?

I wonder if White House computers are booted up or if they just inhale.

I wonder if a file is naked when you unzip it?

I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.

I wonder what MacGyver would do.

I wonder what kind of CPS rates Data gets?

I work for ambasador Molari. After a while, nothing bothers you.

I work for the Department of Redundancy Department.

I would never consider divorce -- but murder . . .

I would not that ye should have fellowship with devils. (1 Cor 10:20)

I would prefer free blowjobs from Miss America contestants

I would rather be Multi-Tasking!

I would rather do it myself.

I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off. --Black Adder

I wouldn't mind being poor if I had lots of money.

I wrote in COBOL once, but I didn't compile.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. --Martin Pollard

I you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

I'd love to but, I have to rotate my crops.

I'd love to but, I prefer to remain an enigma.

I'd love to but, There's a disturbance in the Force.

I'd love to explain, but I prefer to remain an enigma.

I'd love to, but I'm being deported.

I'd love to, but the Prime Directive forbids it.

I'd love to, but the man on TV told me to say tuned.

I'd love to, but there's a disturbance in the Force.

I'd love to, but you know how we psychos are.

I'd rather assimilate a Wookie! --Leia of Borg, to Solo.

I'd rather be at a Star Trek Convention.

I'd rather be crazy than stupid.

I'd rather be nothing.

I'd rather be on a continuing mission.

I'd rather be on the Enterprise!

I'd rather be out of my body and into yours!

I'd rather be programming.

I'd rather be rich!

I'd rather die as the man I was, than live the life I just saw. --Picard

I'd rather go kiss a Wookie! --Princess Leia

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I'd rather have a dirty mind than be brainwashed.

I'd rather have my DNA stripped from me than register Doom!

I'd rather trust a used car salesman than a lawyer!

I'd really love to break your heart.

I'd resign from the human race, but I can't get my membership fee back.

I'd shoot Donald Reagan to prove my love for Lisa Foster!

I'd slap you, but I just washed my hands.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles.

I'd walk miles to see your smiles... uh... kilometres to see your thermometers!

I'll be looking forward to your report, Mr. Broccoli... --Picard

I'll burst into flames on a warm summer day...

I'll call Spaceballs City and tell President Skroob immediately.

I'll give you a definite maybe.

I'll have a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

I'll just reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. --The Doctor

I'll never forget our wedding. I've tried, but my wife won't let me.

I'll panic if I bloody well want to!

I'll see you again when the stars fall from the sky. --U2

I'll slay thee, foul maiden, and rescue yon fair dragon... Oops!

I'll tempt Adam tonight, the woman said evilly.

I'll trade you a Federal Reserve Note, for a Confederate Dollar!

I'll use Windoze when the NRA endorses gun control...

I'll vote for Clinton... to be president of Somalia.

I'll wait till your love comes down. --Van Halen

I'm Barney of Borg: Today we learned that resistance is useless.

I'm Beakman of Borg: Resistance is a scientific impossibility.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde. 0069 and licensed to kill you with sex.

I'm Breaking All The Rules...

I'm Buffy of Borg, prepare to be, like, totally assimiliated!

I'm Bugs Bunny of Borg, Nyah, what's up collective?

I'm Butt-Head of Borg. Resistance is fertile and stuff...huh huh...

I'm Butthead of Borg. Assimilation is cool! Heh, heh heh.

I'm CHKDSK of Borg. Assimilate lost clusters (Y/Y)

I'm Canadian but I refuse to end my sentences with "eh", y'know!

I'm French! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent?

I'm Fully functional in every way. --Data Oh Data you Jewel! --Yar

I'm Lesbian of Borg: Men are irrelevant.

I'm Lorena Bobbitt for the Ginsu Knife Company's Ginsu 2000!

I'm Losing More Than I Ever Had.

I'm MISTRESS Uhura, slave kirk. YOU will open hailing frequencies!

I'm Mad Mark of Borg. You'll be assim... Whoa, FERRENGI!

I'm Marvin of Borg. Guess what kinds of weapons we have. Go on, guess.

I'm Meatloaf of Borg. I want you, I need you, but love is futile.

I'm Now an Agent of the FBI... Female Body Inspectors!

I'm Oliver North of Borg... I don't recall assimilating you

I'm PMSing, I need a hug.

I'm Pink, therefore I'm Floyd...

I'm Quark, slayer of Klingons!

I'm Quayle of Borg. Prepare to be assimulated.

I'm SOOL (Sh*t out of luck) on most areas.

I'm SUCH a bastard sometimes... --bofh

I'm Undead, by the way.

I'm a Canadian. It's like an American without a gun, but with healthcare.

I'm a Lisp variable... bind me!

I'm a Pea... I can feel a princess through 50 mattresses!

I'm a Phi Beta Tester with a Token (Key) Ring.

I'm a Prisoner of Love, but I'm out on parole.

I'm a Pseudo-Masochist... just pretend to beat me.

I'm a Science Officer... it's my job to have better ideas. --Dax

I'm a Starship Captain, not a babysitter! --Picard.

I'm a bad example of a good person!

I'm a confirmed sexist. I prefer sex!

I'm a doctor, Jim, not a command shell!

I'm a happening waiting to accident

I'm a natural blonde, so please speak slowly.

I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth. --Kirk

I'm a writer. Prohibited by statute from having money.

I'm allergic to cat pollen.

I'm allergic to work.

I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

I'm an equal opportunity bitch!

I'm armed, easily upset and off my medication. What was your question?

I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

I'm donating my body to science fiction!

I'm experimenting with Virtual Unreality.

I'm fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact.

I'm from Iowa. I just work in outer space. --Kirk, ST-IV

I'm from the IRS, and I'm here to help you.

I'm glad we don't get all the government we pay for!

I'm having a mental energy crisis!

I'm having an out-of-money experience.

I'm here to take you away, but may I use your phone first? --Death.

I'm in a minority group, white, hetero, paying taxes

I'm in a phone booth on the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

I'm in recovery. I had an overdose of reality.

I'm in the solar powered flashlight business.

I'm in total control, but don't tell my girlfriend.

I'm in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I'm jumping through the rings of a vanishing place --Course of Empire

I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.

I'm looking for a computer with a Sex Drive

I'm multitasking... I read on the toilet.

I'm not Lesbian, and neither is my girlfriend.

I'm not a Novice; I'm an Expert Beginner.

I'm not a beaurocrat - I *USE* my brain!

I'm not afraid of death! What's it gonna do? Kill me?

I'm not afraid of flying, I'm afraid of crashing.

I'm not breaking the rules... just testing their elasticity.

I'm not lost, I have Destination Deficiency Disorder.

I'm not lost, I'm locationally challenged!

I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally!

I'm not waving, you idiot!! I'm drowning!!!!

I'm on the Bleeding Edge of Technology!

I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam.

I'm pleased to disappoint you. --Ripley

I'm real. I'm human, but I'm no ordinary man. --Jim Morrison

I'm so cool you can store meat in me. --Zaphod Beeblebrox

I'm so horny even the crack of Dawn isn't safe!

I'm so old I fart dust.

I'm sorry Officer, I'm used to driving Windoze..

I'm sorry my karma ran over your dogma.

I'm sorry sir, there must have been a microconverter malfunction!

I'm sorry, Citizen. That information is not available at this time.

I'm sorry, Dave, I can't let you do that.

I'm sorry, Dave. I can't let you do that.

I'm sorry, Officer: I didn't know these freeways had no-smoking lanes.

I'm sorry, only integers are represented on Deiter's scale.

I'm sorry. You have been temporarily disconnected!

I'm sorry. You're not cleared for that information.

I'm surprised that your skull doesn't implode from the vacuum.

I'm taking French because my girlfriend likes cunning linguists.

I'm taking my TomCat and cruising.

I'm taking small doses of reality to build up immunity.

I'm the captain of this vessel, your order is nullified! --Picard

I'm too busy to get organized.

I'm too far from California, my super powers are fading...

I'm too sexy for my Captain. --Beverly Crusher.

I'm too simple to have a complex ... So I have a simplex.

I'm too skeptical to deny the possibility of anything...

I'm top dog in my house and I have the leash to prove it.

I'm trying to be less popular.

I'm trying to find myself. Anyone seen me lately?

I'm using tomorrow's dollars to buy yesterday's technology!

I'm usually awake near the end of the day.

I'm usually awake near the end of the week.

I'm very efficient at work. I haven't missed a coffee break in 6 yrs.

I'm very selective about the reality I accept.

I'm very, very good at being very, very bad.

I'm waiting for a huge Federation build up in ships and officers.

I'm waiting for ignition, I'm looking for a spark.

I'm waiting for the Linux version of Windows!

I'm warning you! One step closer and I'll drop carrier!

I'm weird. But Nebulously nudging toward truly bizarre!

I'm working on my 2nd $million... gave up on the first!

I'm working on my next broken heart.

I'm writing a book. Sofar I have the page numbers done.

I'm writing a phone book. May I have your number?

I'm! Too Sexy For My Job! Too sexy For My Job! Too Sexy For My Job!

I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart.

I've accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker

I've already told you more than I know.

I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane.

I've always felt that I was a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

I've always wanted to play to a captive audience. --Uhura.

I've been called many things in my time, but rarely sir and mister.

I've been cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

I've been dead before. --Spock.

I've been living on the wrong side of Memphis.

I've been locked inside your heartshaped box for a week. --Kurt Cobain

I've been nibbling on Delavian chocolates all morning. --Garak.

I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better. --Will Rogers

I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.

I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force

I've been thinking, but it's an accident I swear!

I've been through hell and back again.

I've been to hell and back and I have the bus ticket to prove it!

I've been used by the best, abused by the rest.

I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan. We meet again, at last. --Vader

I've been waiting for you. The circle is now complete.

I've better things to waste disk space on than Windows

I've called in sick so many times today I'll call in dead!

I've crashed and I can't boot up!

I've decided to become an undecided voter in this campaign.

I've eaten so much seafood, my stomach rises and falls with the tide.

I've erased the fine line between sanity and insanity!

I've fallen and I can't reach my keyboard!

I've fallen and can't get my Pangalactic Gargleblaster.

I've formatted and I can't boot up!

I've given you a home in my heart. Now pay the rent!

I've gone "down under" quite often, thats why I still have a girl.

I've got 1 Frigate, 1 Sloop, 2 Brigs, 5 Gunboats...but NO CARRIER

I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.

I've got Taglines to write, messages to read.

I've got a 14.4 modem and now my messages get lost even faster!

I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.

I've got a Pentium, so I can play Minefield faster.

I've got a bad felling about this! Han Solo/Princess Leia/Luke S.

I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like --Pink Floyd

I've got a good frame of mind, but my picture is blank!!

I've got a life! C:\MARYLAND\LIFE.EXE See??

I've got a new hobby! Geology! My next project includes Sharon Stone...

I've got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

I've got a piece of brain lodged in me head!

I've got a rocket in my pocket and ants in my pants!

I've got beachfront property in Arizona

I've got enough money to last me a lifetime, unless I buy something.

I've got the power.

I've got the questions.... Hope you have the answers!

I've got to Walk the Dog.

I've had amnesia as long as I remember...

I've had three wives, Pestilence, Famine and Death. --Londo

I've heard Shakespeare in the original Klingon.

I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of here forever.

I've just wasted an excellent opportunity to remain silent.

I've lost my carrier and don't know where to find it!

I've made up my mind. Don't try to confuse me with facts.

I've missed you so much! *Bang!* Damn, missed again!

I've never beamed up 400 tons before --Scotty

I've never been poor but I've been broke.

I've never met a mosquito that didn't like me!

I've obviously mistaken you for someone who cares. --FH.

I've seen the pain, the hate, and death without a reason...

I've visited reality, there were dirty dishes there.

I've worked in the private sector. They expect results.

I've worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. --Groucho

I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

I/O ERROR (def.) Ignorant Operator Error

I/O Hackers do it without interrupt

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

IBM: I Broke Mine

IBM: INTEL's Big Mouth

IBM: Insensitivity Begets Mediocrity

ICMD: Initiate Core Melt Down

II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.

III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

IMHO, of course... your mileage may vary.

IQ = 100 * (number of posted lines) / (number of quoted lines)

IQ Error: Brain Not Ready (A)bort (R)etry (F)orget it..

IRS: Income Reduction Service

ISDN, n: Incredibly Slow and Dumb Networking ...

ISDN: I Smell Dollars Now!! (It Still Doesn't Network!)

IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Ich bin ein Berlinium! --J.F.Kennedium

Icon see clearly now, the pane is gone.

If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"? --Lorena Bobbitt

If "R" is Reverse, how come "D" is FORWARD?

If 1 synchronised swimmer drowns do the rest have to drown too?

If 99 million people say a dumb thing, it's still dumb.

If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.

If A=B and B=C, then we've got a messed-up alphabet!

If At First You Don't Succeed Call The Author.

If At Last You Do Succeed, Never Try Again.

If Caps Lock, What Do Hats Do?

If Cats cough up furballs, what do Tribbles cough up?

If Chekov owned a computer, would it be a Wax?

If Cthulhu calls... let the machine pick it up.

If Data is "fully functional", can he get a woman pregnant?

If Data locks himself out of a room is that a data entry error?

If DeForest Kelly died, would he turn into Bones?

If Einstein had been black, it would have been E=MC Hammer.

If God is Love, and Love is Blind, is Ray Charles God?

If God wanted you to think, He would have installed UNIX in your brain.

If God were a government employee, creation would have taken 7 years.

If I buy the steel wool, would you knit me a Porsche?

If I can avoid the wrong shadows, I'll be seeing you whenever.

If I can be of further assistance, YELL!!!!!

If I can't fix it, it's probably dead.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

If I could make a livin' outta lovin' you, I'd be a millionaire...

If I could put time in a bottle....

If I didn't know any better, I'd be happy right now.

If I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

If I die for truth and justice, I die not in vain!

If I die, I forgive you, if I recover, we shall see.

If I don't make it back, you're the only hope for the Alliance. --Luke

If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.

If I download another byte, there will be an immediate Upload!

If I gave you an eraser, would you rub yourself out?

If I got the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

If I had $0.00001 for every time Windows crashed

If I had a hammer, I'd hit you over the head!

If I had a nickel for every bug...

If I had a nickel for every time I was 100% right, I'd have a nickel.

If I had a rocket launcher, some son-of-a-bitch would die!

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said No.

If I had finished this sentence. --Hofstadter

If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat() with an "e". --Kernighan

If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes sooner.

If I had two dead cats, I've give you one! --The Scorpion.

If I had two dead mice, I'd give one to you.

If I hadn't believed it, I never would have seen it.

If I have offended anyone, then the day was not wasted!

If I have to open hailing frequencies again, I'm fusing this panel! --NU

If I have to swear to tell the truth, shouldn't you swear to believe me?

If I knew how to do it, I wouldn't have to ask!

If I knew what I was doing, I'd be dangerous!

If I look confused, it's because I'm thinking.

If I may begin at the beginning...

If I melt some dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

If I only had a nickel for every time Windows crashed

If I only had one more teragigadactylbyte..

If I proceed any slower, I'll be going backwards.

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

If I put water in my dog's mouth, will bells ring?

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

If I save the whales, where do I keep them?

If I save time, do I get it back with interest?

If I save your butt, your life belongs to me.

If I say anything interesting, kill me immediately.

If I shoot a mime, must I use a silencer?

If I shot myself, my ex would sue me for the bullet

If I sleep I come undone,and throw my life into the sun. --Course of Empire

If I support Animal Rights will I get better burgers?

If I think I am right, I am right until proven wrong...

If I wanted your opinion I'd ask your computer

If I were Britannia, I'd waive the rules.

If I were any lazier, I would slip into a coma.

If I were dead, I wouldn't be alive!

If I were exceptionally good at nothing, I could be president!

If I were human the appropriate reply would be, Eat my shorts. --Spock.

If I were rich my butler would answer my mail.

If I were sane, I'd go crazy

If I were the last person alive, the world would finally be perfect.

If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.

If I were you, I'd be different.

If I'm going out, I'm taking some of you bastards with me! --Sinclair

If I'm gonna eat, something has to die.

If I'm not poor, why is my tapeworm starving to death?

If I'm on a FIXED income, how come I'm always BROKE?

If I'm out, bring me too. --Jim Morrison

If IBM has Bugs, does an Apple have Worms?

If Intel ran Starfleet, it'd be Deep Space 8.23786124514612

If Iraq invaded Turkey from the rear would Greece help?

If It Ain't Country, It Ain't Music! 'Nuff Said I Think.

If It doesn't matter, and what if it did?

If It's Bug Free, It's Time to Make Changes.

If Jesus had a good lawyer, Christianity would never have happened.

If Jesus was Jewish, then why did he have a Mexican name?

If Jesus was into S&M would he use Miracle Whip?

If Khomeini was Catholic, my life would now be worth a million bucks.

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

If Lee Iacoca was bitten by a vampire he'd be an AUTOEXEC.BAT

If Life's a trip, where the hell is MY ticket?

If MS Windows was an airline, would you purchase a ticket?

If Marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws!

If Mary had a little lamb...who the heck was the father!?!

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, who'd make the sound?

If Mohammed can't go to the mountain, then that's his problem.

If Murphy was such an optimist, why is he dead?

If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. --Silverman

If Noah had been wise he would swatted one of those two flies.

If Noah had used Zip, he could have used a smaller boat.

If Noah knew his family, he'd never asked them aboard.

If OS/2 were outlawed, Criminals would still have NT!

If Picard were Spanish, would Riker be Numero Uno?

If ST V is "NonCanon" then ST VII should be "MegaNonCanon"!

If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love.

If Sinclair remembers, the Mimbari Gray Council wants him DEAD!

If Sisko was to become Borg, would he be known as Sykosis of Borg?

If Skin of Evil was assimilated, would it be called "3rd of Slime"?

If Speed scares you, use Windows!

If Spiner uses PKZip, wouldn't he be Compressed Data?

If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long.

If U Cn rd dis u cnt spel wurt sht.

If Version 1.0 works, someone goofed.

If Voyager folded space, it would become the V'ger.

If Windose = "FAST" Then Hellfroze = TRUE!

If Windows flew airplanes, there would be MANY crashes.

If Windows freezes up, do I use an ice scraper?

If Windows is User-Friendly, do you need to read a 678-page manual?

If Windows sucked, at least it would be good for SOMETHING

If a beer and a cliff full of lemmings is exciting, you might be Death

If a binary digit is a bit, what is a trinary digit?

If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

If a dead dog can walk, then why not a man. --Kim Kelley.

If a dog bites you 1,048,576 times, is that a megabite?

If a felon is one who commits a felony, God is an iron.

If a first you don't suceed, the HELL with it!

If a fly had no wings would you call him a walk?

If a headline ends in a question mark, the answer is `no.'

If a job is worth doing, it is worth hiring someone to do it.

If a kitten has two paws, would you call it an illegitimate pussy?

If a little brute force is good, then too much is better!

If a problem is self-correcting, let it.

If a program crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?

If a program is useful, it must be changed.

If a program is useless, it must be documented.

If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.

If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 units in stock.

If a single fly can have 1,000 kids, think what a married fly could do.

If a skunk gets hit by a car, why doesn't the car smell, too?

If a tree falls and hits Milli Vanilli, who screams?

If a tree falls in a forest and it hits a cop...does anybody care?

If a weirdo offers you some Windows, JUST SAY NO!

If a woman is squeezed wrong, you will see her crack.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If acts of echomail thou commit, be sure the tag in rhyme be writ.

If all else fails, READ THE DOCS!

If all else fails, lower your standards.

If all else fails, re-write the documentation.

If all else fails, read the destructions.

If all else fails, shoot it!

If all else fails, talk to your system admin.

If all else fails, try Spam.

If all else fails, unzip the manuals!!!

If all else fails, you must still be using Windows.

If all else fails... Put another megavolt through it.

If all goes well, you've overlooked something!

If all is not lost, then where is it?

If all men are potential rapists, then all women are potential whores.

If all sex is rape, then are lovers acquaintance rape survivors?

If all sex is rape, then marriage is legalized prostitution.

If all the world's a stage, I wanna operate the trapdoor!

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong

If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in Holodeck 3...

If anything can go wrong with Monty Python, it will.

If anything can go wrong, it will (and at the worst possible moment).

If anything can go wrong, it@!f#-}j* NO CARRIER

If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport

If at 1st you don't succeed, call it v1.0.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look *too* astonished!

If at first you don't succeed you must be in Windows!

If at first you don't succeed you're doing about average.

If at first you don't succeed, Call it Windows.

If at first you don't succeed, blame Murphy!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, get a job at Microsoft.

If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. --Bill Gates

If at first you don't succeed, see if Microsoft will buy you out.

If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.

If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows...

If at first you don't succeed, you're working for Micro$oft.

If carrots help you C, why don't rabbits program?

If cars = horsepower, why not boats = fishpower?

If cats and dogs can live together why can't men & women?

If cats could talk, they'd remind us that their ancestors ate ours.

If citizenship had to be earned, a lot of people would be in trouble.

If code was meant to be portable it would have wheels and a handle.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee.

If crash occurs when using this program, discontinue use.

If criminals want guns, let them ship 'em in with cocaine.

If death occurs, please return product for full refund.

If dopes were really illegal, where'd all the blondes go?

If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?

If everything is coming your way, you'er in the wrong lane.

If everything is part of the whole, what is the whole part of?

If everything seems easy, you have obviously overlooked something.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

If facts do not conform to the theory, dispose of them.

If feminism is the solution, then maybe the problem didn't exist.

If first you don't succeed, start begging!

If fish is brain food, serve this man a whale.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?

If god created all Men equal...... why didn't he do the same for Women??

If god don't make mistakes, how do you explain christians and racists?

If growing old bothers you, consider the alternative.

If guns are outlawed, only government will have guns.

If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words!

If guns cause crime, then seat belts cause accidents.

If guns cause crime, then video cameras cause pornography!

If guns cause crime, then wet streets cause rain.

If guns cause crime, then why do we arm the police?

If guns cause crime, what does that make the police?

If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war... lots of accidents, maybe.

If hard disk fails, open carefully and remove all dead animals.

If he didn't inhale, how did he get brain damage?

If he were any lazier he'd slip into a coma.

If he's here, we'll find him. --Garibaldi.

If healthcare is expensive now, wait till it's free!

If humans get hemorrhoids, do aliens get asteroids?

If idiots could fly; Congress would be an airport!

If in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

If in doubt, make it sound convincing.

If in doubt, mumble.

If it "Works", don't fix it!

If it WALKS out of your refridgerator, LET IT GO!!

If it ain't an F-14 Tomcat, it's a target.

If it ain't broke, always try to fix it anyway.

If it ain't broke, break it and charge for repair.

If it ain't broke, fix it until it is!

If it ain't broke, let me have a shot at it.

If it ain't on fire, it's a software problem! --Unknown Service Tech

If it doesn't work, it's physics.

If it doesn't work, it's probably from Microsoft.

If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.

If it is SHAREware, why do they want money for it?

If it is not there, it does not exist.

If it is the tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

If it isn't a Cray, it's not worth having.

If it screams, it's not food... yet.

If it seems to good to be true! IT IS!!

If it walks out of the fridge... LET IT GO!

If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL!

If it wasn't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish!

If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all!

If it's BLUE and doesn't work, it's the Air Force!

If it's any good, they'll discontinue it.

If it's bad, it's probably good!

If it's glowing, don't eat it...

If it's not broke, it must be the beta copy.

If it's not cruel and unusual, it's not punishment.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If it's not mathematics, it's just opinion.

If its not broke don't fix it, if its broke have someone else fix it.

If life is a bed of roses, then you must be one of the pricks.

If life was fair, I would be dead.

If light speed is impossible then how does light do it?

If marriage is outlawed, only in-laws will be outlaws.

If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.

If married folks don't like the same thing, he's out of luck.

If men got pregnant abortion would be safe, legal, & available forever.

If men have the power, why do they commit suicide more?

If money can fix it, it's not a problem.

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks open branches?

If money is all you love, then that's what you'll receive. --Leia

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want so much of it?

If my messages aren't posted in 72 hours, the Government got me!!

If necessity is the mother of invention, laziness is the father.

If no one ever made mistakes, there would be no convenient targets.

If not Pascal or Modula2 your program is WIRTHless.

If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles!

If nothing is impossible, how do you get off a mailing list?

If only AT&T knew what I was do=2+OX:+4+b+o NO CARRIER

If only life came with a scrollback buffer...

If only life's scrollback buffer was editable...

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help!

If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.

If people don't control the government, it'll certainly control THEM!

If power corrupts then moderators must be far from their original CRC.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If pro is opposite of con, what is opposite of progress?

If rich, eat when you please. If poor, eat when you can.

If she screams......lick it again.

If she were president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln.

If she won't live forever, why buy her a diamond?

If sheep could cook, women would be irrelevant.

If shit happens and no one's there does it have a smell?

If someone offers you Windows, just say NO!

If something doesn't work... try another approach.

If something goes without saying, let it.

If something is confidential it will be left in the copier.

If something's not fun, why do it? --Chuck Yeager

If something's not worth dying for, it's not worth living for.

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If speed kills, Windows users may live forever.

If swimming is so good for you, why are whales so fat ?

If talk to God=prayer, why does hear from God=schizo?

If teflon doesn't stick to anything, how does it stay in the pan?

If tennis elbow is bad, imagine tennis balls!

If the BORG assimilated Q, would they be the BQRG?

If the Borg assimilated tribbles, would they become the B*rg?

If the British can survive their meals, they can survive anything.

If the Sargent can see you, so can the enemy.

If the US is a Melting Pot, Canada is a Mosaic.

If the boat ain't rocking, someone's not rowing!

If the bowl is empty, the cat is full.

If the data doesn't fit the theory, fix the data.

If the early bird ate the worm, I ain't kissin' it.

If the enemy can't get in, you can't get out. --Murphy

If the enemy is in range, so are you. --Murphy's Law of Combat.

If the gods will not listen, then to hell with them.

If the good die young, I'll live forever!

If the government needs more money, how can they think we need less?

If the government were in charge of sex, we'd be extinct.

If the mistake is in your favor, don't correct it!

If the music stops, there is only the sound of the rain.

If the people don't enforce the Constitution, who will?

If the people lead, the leaders will follow.

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me!

If the pin is pulled, Mr. Hand Grenade is not your friend.

If the price is a dream then support is a nightmare.

If the pupil fails to learn, the teacher fails to teach. --Anonymous

If the thread ended in her jeans, should we follow it?

If the thunder don't get you then the lightening will..

If the universe is really expanding, why can't I find a parking space?

If the world is getting smaller... why do postage rates go up?

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.

If there ain't a victim, there ain't a crime!

If there are no more bugs, the program is obsolete.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel... ORDER MORE TUNNEL.

If there was a big bang remember: God lit the fuse!

If there was a wait for Q to show up, would there be a Queue?

If there wasn't divorces, where would we get waitresses?

If there were more women judges, more women would go to jail!

If there's a bright center to the universe, we're the furthest from it.

If there's a will, I want to be in it!

If there's an idea in your head, it's in solitary confinement!

If there's no free lunch, I'll settle for breakfast.

If there's someone who loves you, you're richer by far.

If they can send man to the moon, then why can't they send them all?

If they can't explain it, that's proof enough for me!

If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.

If they mention penguins, be afraid. Be very afraid!

If they outlaw guns, can we use swords?

If they taught masturbation in school would you do your homework?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If this is a free country, why are we paying so much for it?

If this is monkey pee you're on your own. --Scully.

If this is tourist season, why can't I shoot any?

If this isn't war, why is CNN massing on the border?

If this merchandise should contact antimatter it will explode.

If thou see a fair woman pay court to her, for thus thou wilt obtain love.

If tin whistles are made of tin, what about fog horns?

If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?

If two is company, is three an adult movie?

If users appear to need help, appear to help them.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, beware of humanitarians!

If voting actually changed anything, they'd make it illegal.

If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.

If we believe absurdities, we shall commit atrocities.

If we can avoid any more female advice, we can get out of here. --Han Solo

If we can dream it, it can be done.

If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put all of the women there?

If we can put men in space, why not metal in a microwave.

If we cared as much about saving males as saving whales....

If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. --Dan Quayle

If we had hot water, we could make tea, if we had tea.

If we have a crime epidemic, let's quarantine criminals.

If we honor the rights of gays then everyone else will want rights too!

If we let the dream die, what's the sense of waking up...

If we lose the Second, the rest of the Amendments are academic.

If we put your brain into a bird, it would fly backwards

If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended.

If we share this nightmare, we can dream, spiritus mundi.

If wires can be connected 2 different ways, the first blows the fuse.

If women can sleep their way to the top, why aren't they there?

If women like it, it's "Erotica." If men like it, it's "Pornography."

If women ran the country would missiles be shaped different?

If women weren't so stupid, they wouldn't have to be beautiful.

If written correctly, legalese is perfectly incomprehensible.

If you admit that life is horrible, you can begin to enjoy it.

If you ain't lovin', you ain't livin'

If you ain't makin' waves you ain't kickin' hard enough!

If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.

If you are a worm, sleep late!

If you are afraid of being lonely, don't try to be right.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

If you are here you are lost! (sign in the middle of nowhere)

If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.

If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.

If you are too open minded, your brains will leak out.

If you are willing to die, you can do anything!

If you bow at all, bow low.

If you break both legs, don't come running back to me!

If you build it, she will come.

If you can not convince them, confuse them.

If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz again.

If you can read this, you don't need glasses.

If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.

If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

If you can't be right, be wrong as loud as you can.

If you can't be the poet, be the poem.

If you can't be with the one you love, kill the one they're with.

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

If you can't get a 5-1/4" floppy in a 3.5" drive... use The Force.

If you can't laugh at yourself, try laughing at others.

If you can't learn to do it well, enjoy doing it badly.

If you can't live with the answer, don't ask the question.

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead?

If you can't make it good, make it *look* good. --Bill Gates

If you can't make it good, make it Windows-aware.

If you can't make it good, make it big, ...like Windows!

If you can't make it good, make it expensive.

If you can't stand the heat, get back to the kitchen.

If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

If you can't stand the meat, get out of the grinder.

If you can't steal, stay out of politics.

If you cannot catch a bird of paradise, grab a wet hen.

If you cross Country & Western with Rap, do you get CRAP music?

If you cut here, you'll ruin your monitor.

If you didn't program it in PASCAL it's WIRTHless.

If you didn't vote, don't bitch.

If you die before I wake...

If you die, I'll kill you!

If you died alone in your house, your cat would eat you.

If you disagree with a liberal, you're a racist homophobe.

If you do drink and drive you might as well smoke too.

If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.

If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. --Clarence Day

If you don't think women are EXPENSIVE, marry one.

If you don't think women are explosive, drop one!

If you drink and drive, minimize exposure... drive fast!

If you fart in church, you're sitting in your own pew.

If you first don't succeed, then hide all evidence that you tried...

If you focus only on the thorns you will miss the beauty of the rose.

If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

If you give your dog a bath, you get one yourself.

If you go to Z'Ha'Dum, you will die. --Kosh.

If you hail a taxi, your bus arrives just as you get in.

If you happen to receive money monthly, be thankful!

If you have not hugged someone today, you are in mortal danger.

If you have to hate, hate gently.

If you hear an onion ring, please answer it!

If you heated Odo up in a pot, would he be boiling mad?

If you hold a hard drive to your ear, you can hear the C:

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you just close your eyes you can feel the enemy --U2

If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you kill the first kid, the others will behave.

If you killed the baby Adolf Hitler, would you be evil?

If you leave 2 bills together, they breed!

If you like fast foods, forget the escargot.

If you look for love in all the wrong places, you'll have a great time.

If you love someone, lick her 'til she creams.

If you love someone, lick her 'til she screams.

If you love the Constitution, be ready to defend it!

If you lower your standards you deserve everything you get!

If you meet Ken Thompson on the road, kill(1) him.

If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. - K. Hepburn

If you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If you only knew the power of the Dark Side...

If you push something hard enough, it _will_ fall over.

If you put a frog in a girl's desk you're going to hear screaming.

If you read a book it can take you to places you haven't been before.

If you read this tagline right to the very end you will most certainly die.

If you remember the 60s, you didn't do drugs.

If you save the world too often, it begins to expect it.

If you send a fool to school, you get an educated fool.

If you settle for what your given, you deserve what you get.

If you skate on thin ice, skate _fast_!

If you smoke, we'll assume you're on fire and take appropriate steps.

If you stay calm when others panic, you don't understand the problem.

If you take away the fuel, in time the flames will die.

If you take them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it's free!

If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.

If you think the problem is bad now, wait till we've fixed it.

If you thought you had a brain, think again!

If you trade freedom for security, you get neither.

If you treat people right, they will treat you right 90% of the time.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you try to prove to someone it won't work, it will.

If you voted for Change... better start counting it now!

If you wanna be free, keep your eyes open and think for yourself.

If you want a friend, then be a friend.

If you want her to show emotion, cut up her credit cards.

If you want it done right, forget Microsoft.

If you want someone to keep a secret, keep it yourself.

If you want something done right, ask a woman.

If you want the last word with a woman, apologize.

If you want to be a bit more specific, perhaps we can help you.

If you want to crash your MAC, you don't need to try too hard.

If you want to make a apple pie from scratch, first make the universe.

If you want to make light of trouble, keep it dark!

If you want to make the world better, be better than the world.

If you want to run with me, crawl before you walk.

If you want your wife to listen, talk to another woman.

If you went Chopin, did you take your Liszt?

If you were accused of being intelligent could they prove it in court?

If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed. --Emperor

If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny. --Darth Vader

If you wish work poorly done, pay in advance.

If you won't leave me alone, I'll find someone who will.

If you won't steal, stay away from a political career!

If you would rule the world quietly, you must keep it amused.

If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.

If you're gonna screw up do it while you're young.

If you're happy and you know it... clank your chains!

If you're losing the game, change the rules.

If you're not making waves, you're not rowing the boat.

If you're not offensive, you're not trying hard enough.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

If you're on the cutting edge, expect to bleed.

If you're really a police dog, where's your badge?

If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.

If you've ever seen Klingon food you know why they are so grouchy.

If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

If your Sex-Ed teacher flunked you, kick her in the nuts!

If your VCR still blinks 12:00, fear the New World Order.

If your actions don't speak louder than words, then speak loud action words.

If your advance is going very well, you're walking into an ambush.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

If your boss doesn't pay you what your deserve, be thankful!

If your lawyer doesn't know the law he should at least know the judge.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built upside down.

If your only tool is a hammer, all your problems look like nails!

If your phone doesn't ring, it's me

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

If your ship doesn't come in, it's time you swim out.

If your short on everything but enemy, you are in the combat zone.

If your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

Ignisecond: moment after locking door, realizing keys are inside.

Ignorance can be cured by learning, Stupidity usually can't.

Ignorance error: Press any key... What's a key?

Ignorance has always been more dangerous than knowledge.

Ignorance has great job security.

Ignorance is Strength... Big Sister is Watching You!

Ignorance of the law is no excuse, unless you're a lawyer.

Ignore your Rights and they'll Go Away.

Ignoring me can be exceedingly fatal.

Ikea: Swedish for long line-ups.

Il est mort, Jean-Luc...

Illegal aliens are a problem in America. Ask any Indian.

Im looking for an Al, last name Choholic...

Imagination is for people who can't afford drugs.

Imagination is high res... life is low res.

Imagination is intelligence having fun.

Imagination is more important than intelligence. --Albert Einstein

Imagination is our only weapon in the war against reality.

Imagine Elmer, son of Fudd, Klingon. He owns a castle and a cruiser...

Imagine a Miss Universe contest after we meet life from other planets!

Imagine a functional government!

Imagine the silence if everyone said only what they know.

Imagine... Borg swimming in water...

Imelda Marcos of Borg: I will assimilate shoes...

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Immature artists imitate. Mature artists steal. --Lionel Trilling

Immigrants aren't censored in Germany. They keep the fire burning!

Imminent death of the net predicted. Film at 11.

Immorality: the morality of those having a better time.

Immortality consists largely of boredom. --Zephrem Cochrane

Immortality: A fate worse than death.

ImpLode, UpLode, DownLode, ExpLode!

Impeccable: Unable to be eaten by a chicken.

Impossibility: A word only to be found in the dictionary of fools.

Impossible [adj.]: Nailing Jello to a tree.

Improve the Earth's ecology: Compost a Fundamentalist!

Improve your IQ! Eat gifted children!

Improvement: Yugo after an accident.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

In /dev/null, no one can hear you scream.

In 1981 "both baud rates" meant 110 & 300. High speed meant 1200!

In A War Of Ideas It Is People Who Get Killed. --S. Lec

In Africa, when God made time, he made lots of it.

In America you can have all the justice money can buy.

In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

In Amerika, a man and his paycheck are quickly parted.

In C++, only your friends can access your private parts!

In California, they say "Shift Happens". Boy, I'll say!

In California, you get earthquakes by default.

In Canada, a dozen is now 10; ah, the metric system!

In Canada, even the female impersonators are women.

In Cardassian murder mysteries, ALL the suspects are guilty.

In Case of Death: Stay calm, do not use the elevators.

In Case of Fire, Log off Promptly.

In Case of Fire: (1) Log-off Promptly, (2) Yell "FIRE!"

In ENGLISH, Data?! --Captain Beverly Picard

In God we trust, all others pay cash.

In Goddess I trust. How about you?

In Hollywood, you're a genius until you lose your job.

In India they worship monkeys. We only elect them.

In My Humble Opinion Your Mileage May Vary.

In The Search For Quality, There Is No Finish Line

In Washington DC, if you listen carefully, you can hear the noses grow.

In Windows 95 I was multitasking and managed to flame myself in Email!

In Wine is Wisdom, In Beer is Power, In H2O are Bacteria!

In a Tokyo bar: special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a country of lesbians, the only woman with a tongue is queen.

In a crisis call for Isis.

In a grue's refrigerator, the light goes out when you open the door.

In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit.

In a mad world, only greater madness succeeds.

In a nuclear war, all men are creamated equal.

In a restaurant, choose a table near a waiter.

In a strange turn of events, the cat was electrocuted.

In all systems of theology, the devil is a male.

In all the countries I've been to, everyone understands a smile.

In an armed society the one with the least to lose, wins.

In an infinite universe, anything is possible.

In an insane society, the sane man must appear insane. --Spock

In an organization, each person rises to the level of her own incompetency.

In any formula, constants are to be treated as variables.

In any household, junk accumulates to fill the storage space available.

In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchial level.

In capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, it's exactly the opposite.

In case of Big Mac attack...

In case of EaRtHqUaKe, laugh hysterically, and EnJoY tHe RiDe!

In case of atomic attack, prayer in schools will be OK.

In case of emergency: Break glass on documentation bookcase.

In case of fire, do not use elevators... Use fire extinguishers.

In case of fire, do not use elevators... Use water.

In case of fire, rescue computer.

In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"